I was testing children in my Sunday school class in Dublin (Ireland, not the other one) to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ''NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven’?
Again, they all answered 'NO’!
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven’?
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

 

 

Two old guys go out drinking one night. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "Take them up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated sex doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as she is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home one guy says "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead," says his friend, "why do you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time we made love." His friend says "It could be worse. I think mine was a witch." "A witch? "Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I started making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted, flew out the window, and took my teeth with her!"

 

 

 

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