yeah, I don't know what it's about. As the drugs go, that's something that seemed to increase over time. She hadn't even tried extacy or kettemine or mushrooms when we had met. Now it seems she does it regularly.

There were good times. but this just throws a shadow on all of that. For me it does. But just as I can't see how I've changed over the years, she can't see changes in herself. That's something that's hard to do, to look at yourself objectively...

That's what it feels like, a mask coming off. I don't like what I see now. I don't entirely understand people that say something and do another. I mean I know people change and what not... but sheesh... to go, in the span of one week, from "I love you, I can't wait to see you" to "don't call me." .... something has to happen, something drastic, or that person is just focked up and out of touch. I mean unstable. Maybe I made her unstable and she'll be fine now. I don't know how this shit works. I'm just typing now as catharsis. Bleh.

 

In the days of my youth
I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I

 

Gotta stop thinking about what you did wrong man. You didnt do sh!t wrong. She's a grown ass woman, she can make her own decisions. Thats the path she took. Ecstasy is a hard cycle to break... and I'm sure you and me both know how you would be telling the dog next door that you loved him while on it. It's like you would almost completely forget how to interact normally with ppl which in turn causes you to take it more.. even on bored chores like doing laundy (friend did it)...

Either way... stop beating yourself on it. Gotta know when to cut your losses and jus say F it. It's not worth another day of ruining your day. F IT and move on man. Go buy Guild Wars or something damnit.

 

thanks bean, the check's in the mail.....

 

Sophia and Adrian are right, Wick. I know. I've been there.

 

I have a slightly different spin. Not that I think Bean is worng. So much of this is abstract and opinion. Of course she is at fault and a horrible ignominious person.

You are clearly the better person here on so many levels BUT, you have to grow and learn from this...and you cant grow without being introspective. My ex-bitch and I dated for 5 years and were married for less than two! Why? She cheated on me and that was it for me..I had to walk away!..why? I dunno Mike why do people cheat? What could I have done differently to not drive a wedge in the relationship?...did I put my all into it? Maybe I worked too many hours and should have been home more? ...cause and effect....effect and cause.

It took me a long time for me to realize this but I AM the better person ..most of what went down was her fault but STILL if I just blame her for EVERYTHING how have I grown? What have I taken out of this horrible experience that makes me a better person?


I so wish I had this cathartic thread whe I was down and out! I you wick!

 

thanks mikey. I've said it many times, I'm lucky to have you friends to listen to my shit.

you mentioned something about work that actually came up yesterday.

I work a 9 to 5 job mostly, well 9 to 6 actually, and she has always complaind that I work too much. And I'm just so tired of hearing it, well I don't have to anymore, but this is an example of how she simply can't see things for what they are and can't see her self realisticly

We are filing taxes and she remarked yesterday "you didn't make any more than last year." Well, I got a raise but a small one, so it should be more right?

Why didn't I make more money? Because while I did have couple months of overtime, I was off work for SIX WEEKS last year, I worked LESS than the previous year. for the love of god. You see, my work isn't the problem. SHE is the problem. she goes around blaming those around her for whatever yackity yackity yack.... I almost quit the job I have to move to San Diego for her. She never says anything about that, only about how terrible I am because of my work.

I planned a vacation for our anniversary, well that was messed up by work. I turned around and planned 11 days in seattle. I wanted to visit my grandmother, and then take Lisa all over the state. It's beautiful up there and it was going to be just the two of us for a week. That got cancelled so she could spend $12,000 on her cat who was dying. Next up, xmas. well I got a ton of time off for december, usually december is busy for us. But SHE had to WORK to pay of the vet bills.

yet, I'm the one that gets the blame and the put down.

I quess what I'm saying is, you're both right. She's a nutjob. that's for certain, everyone else is wrong, and she is the only one that's right. Her shit doesn't stink eh?

so yeah, I need to get away from that crap, but I also need to find out why I put myself through that, why was I a dope who put up with that crap treatment? Because I don't want to go through it again, and I don't want to put the next lady I'm with through any left over shit either. that's just not cool. I'm done with the drama, I want to be whole again.

plus ranting helps me get it out. I've taken this crap for too long.

 

This is something I've heard before that helps me alot.

"I Will Greet This Day With A Forgiving Spirit"

This is supposedly a pretty famous writing from mr ab lincoln himself and is something I repeat to myself every morning that I wake up pissed at someone. That forgiveness is something you have to learn to give out... that person doesn't have to know it... but you can still forgive them. She could still think that you can't stand her or are gonna be pissed for the rest of your life... and she'll hold onto that... but inside, you forgave her. Thus taking that burden off of yourself...

Holding grudges are a bitch. I've noticed once I've forgiven someone regardless if they know or not, it gets this black cloud out of my mind and I definitely feel better.

 

I need to work on that been. I tried to go through the forgiveness process with her, the very day she ripped my head off.... so..... I'm still working on it.

I agree with you. At some point I need to forgive and let go otherwise it'll eat at me.

 

That portion comes after you cut contact. Kinda hard to leave the battle when your right in the middle of it.

Good luck man.