Rant the first: "Knocked Up" can suck my ****ing balls!!!

Folks, if you're going to go watch Knocked Up, then you can go **** yourselves. Really. You're part of the problem.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS THIS SO-CALLED-COMEDY IS GIVING WAY TOO LARGE A PERCENTAGE OF THE UNITED STATES A FURTHER MISGUIDED IDEA OF "HOW IT SHOULD BE?!?!?!?!"

A woman has a right to choose. This woman chooses to have a baby. Hey, fine, cool. She's a professional, she can go do that thing; she can support the child (I'm assuming; I haven't seen the movie. . .)

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO

She has to go hit up the douchebag degenerate that she chose to boink to "let him know." Alright, cool, I mean, it is his sperm. but still. . . she chose to keep the child, not him.

I don't even want to know what this shitheel excuse of a man decides to do. Needless to say, I wouldn't immediately assume that it's my child, nor (unfortunately in these litigious latter days) help the mother-to-be. . . but hey, you want to just assume it's yours, fine. Your ****ing funeral.

Then, they work things out and everybody lives happily ever after. . .or until the sequel.

I'm thinking your mileage may vary depending on what you see in real life. If the couple had been a long-standing couple, and hadn't decided, but perhaps had been together for a year or so, and "Whoops," I wouldn't be so upset. What gets me is this notion, even under comic auspices, that a baby can somehow get you a man. This is so wrong, and irritates me more than 60 grit-as-toilet-paper being applied by hairy bear in a leather thong.

We don't need to be exacerbating this antiquated ideal of what love, marriage, and child-rearing need to be, regardless of comic results. I for one, am not watching this movie if I can help it. If I get invited to a viewing, I'll try to eat tainted meat the day before so I can excuse myself.

 

Rant the Second: Apologies to "Jersey Boys," but NYC can suck it (again).

Frankly, this rant is nothing new. . . just new from my end of the universe.

For the last week or so, there's been an ad on the radio letting me know that the current run of Jersey Boys has been extended.

Fine. Cool. I mean, it's Franky Valli. If you don't like his ditties, there might be something wrong with you.

WHAT GETS ME is that they set up the sale to the effect of, "the producers didn't anticipate the response, and decided to get a second production started."

The thing is, when announcing this, it came off with the tone of "Holy Shit, people in San Francisco like music revues? What the ****?!?!? Bob, they like music in San Francisco, get the resources for a second company; apparently after making a couple Quadgillion dollars in Manhattan, we didn't think this thing would be a hit!!!!"

To the cigar chomper that got caught with his (hers?) pants down. **** you.

Yes, San Francisco has gay people and old ladies. Just like New York City. Your theatre will be full. Kiss my ass you anonymous short-sighted turdburglar.

 

 

 

Rant the third: I'm not racist in saying, "shitting uncomfortably is not fashionable."

I grew up in Fremont, CA. I lived in Tacoma, WA and Puyallup, WA for 6 years of my life. I then moved back to the Bay Area, and now live in west San Jose (near Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, and Santa Clara). I mention this, as it may become relevant further down.

As a result of this, I'd like to believe I have a better than-my-peers understanding of a certain racial group in general, in addition to a slightly keener insight into a certain subset of said racial group.

When you have an experience like that, it's a double-eged sword. The upside is being exposed to a whole different culture, it's healthy in gaining insight into yourself, and makes you see the world as a whole place filled with people, not weird-aliens-from some other planet.

The flipside though, is gentrification, and some of the issues that go along with it. Even then, I'd like to believe I have a healthy attitude about it in saying that if I am from The Bay Area, that the very nature of being from The Bay Area is stating that my own culture is that which is amorphous and catholic.

As an Anglo-Saxon male, I clearly understand the notion of onus in terms of racism, particularly in the United States. I understand that cultural imprints and obligations run deep. I understand that in there, is the delicate interweaving of religion into the fabric of one's life.

That said, I still feel the right to rant against a certain racial group, both general, and specific for not adopting, what I believe, to be a particularly socially healthy philosophy. So, I'm gonna cut loose here:

1. If you're a member of a subset of the racial group in question, and you make fun of a member of a different subset, but of the same racial group in question, I still think you're as racist as if you called me a "dumb Cracker." STFU immediately.

2. You keep telling me that you're clearly from country A, and that you don't even look like you're from country B. Fine, but if you can't tell the difference between a Norwegian and an Italian, I then have the right to call you a dumbass.

3. You don't really need to tell me anything related #2. I grew up in the Bay Area. If Stephen from Decorah, IA gets a little confused, cut the guy some F'n slack; he's new.

4. Keeping up with the <insert obligatory last name of certain ethnic group here> is just as futile as keeping up with the Joneses. Just worry about your property values.

5. I don't care if he's your oldest son, if he's an asshole, he doesn't have to get the money.

6. I don't care if you're the oldest son. You're a douchebag, and your parents are probably smart in letting your sister handle the business.

7. The difference in price between a home with okay schools and a home in excellent schools is enough to put your kid through private school. . . think about it.

8. If you save money to buy your son or daughter a car for their wedding, and then loose it when you go to Vegas, do not attribute it to bad luck. Attribute it to really rampant stupidity.

9. You will never own the Mercedes you're leasing. If you try to buy it at the end of the lease, I have the right to chuckle, regardless of whether you paid in cash or not.

10. Leasing a Yaris is often (not always) a sign you're probably busting your ass smartly.

11. Just because the menu is in a different language, the rest of us still notice the prices are different. If you're gonna pull that stunt, might I suggest you have the menus formatted drastically different?

12. Don't get upset when my meal is cheaper than yours. I've been coming to this restaraunt a lot longer than you, your perceived-racial-privilege be damned.

13. Advertising exists to change the perception of what is the best. The best for you is the best.

14. A bad bottle of wine with good friends is better than a '63 LaTour with a complete asshole.

15. No advertiser will ever tell you the joys of shitting comfortably; it just doesn't sell anything (except toilets).

AND LASTLY, THE BIG ONE:

Somebody had to find the best thing in the world first.

 

I've seen countless trailers for this and never once have I considered seeing it. The same analysis came to me as well - you just articulated it better.

Speaking of s...Looks like a girlfriend of mine is in labour!

 

Drink more... type less.

 

 

I'm at home now. There's a bottle of Cotes-Du-Rhone with my name on it, methinks.

 

<-- finishing off the last of the duty free Keith's.