Jimmy Led Rants
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From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
Jimmy Led Rants
Jimmy Led Rants: part DUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!
* Over the weekend I had the pleasure of walking half a mile through the snow to go to CVS to pick up some odds and ends during the "moderate" snow storm we had around here (moderate...in the DC Metro area means anywhere between .5" to 12 FEET of snow apparently). That wasn't my problem. I like snow! I do! I have NO worries dressing up like an eskimo and frolicking in God's dandruff....and it was a nice respite from being stuck inside. Nono.....my gripes have more to do with what I saw and who I had to deal with after I walked out the door....and proceeded to get clipped by a car.....
but not just ANY car....nono.....not me!
First thing is first. Why in Christ's name would you try driving through four inches of slippery, brownish white sludge in a fockin' Ford Festiva, running BALD tires most humans would mistake for drink coasters standing on end? You honestly expect to go up a hill with that "three-cylinder mountain goat" of yours? I could rollerblade through this shit better than you! Wake the fock up! Honestly.
I understand not wanting to deal with all the people in the supermarket or where ever the night before...I had to go and pick up stuff with Kel... There wasn't a can of SOUP to be had. It snowed for what? 9 hours? You're going to eat 12 cans of soup in 9 hours? I hope you bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper and about three good books because I know where you and that beef stew of yours will be, come Sunday!
....but I digress.....back to the Festiva.
I was walking up and over the hill to CVS on Columbia Pike. It was a small hike but it was cool. I couldn't believe how many cars were out on the road. I mean, the road was seriously a ski slope (which is why I chose not to drive in the first place). I can understand if you have a truck or an SUV or at least SOME kind of AWD...but people were out in friggin mustangs with summer street tires! It's going to take you half an hour to go 12 feet in this...what is so important you can't wait for a plow or two? THAT'S when I first saw the Festiva bravely scurrying up the slope. I laughed out loud....Hell I sat on a closed store's window sill and watched for a while....whistling a circus tune for the clown car. It was fantastic and mind-blowing. This little car sounded like it was on Death's door, and as it went I could see the blue cloud leaving a faint trail of oil residue on the snow behind it.
The best part? There's a light at the crest of the hill. As soon as the car stopped gunning it to stop at the red light? it started sliding halfway back down the hill again...I was chuckling...this was classic.
I decided that this little Festiva Dance at the intersection was going to take hours...so I continue on my way to CVS Pharmacy. I'm now going down the other side of the hill. Eventually I hear the sputter and whine behind me indicating that the The Little Car that Could had caught up to me. Turns out this rag was going to CVS as well. The car stops in front of the drive waiting to make a left into the lot.....I'm walking across the entrance...there's noone blocking this lady's view...I'm right there...I have a walk signal...I'm on the sidewalk....
Bitch GUNS it and proceeds to clip me....knocks me flat on my ass....doesn't even focking STOP! She pulls in and parks! When she gets out I'm furious and flabbergasted at the same time. The lady is in a fur coat, shaggy and old, a bathrobe over jeans with furry slipper-booties and a BIG babushka (sp?). SHe has those BIG old lady glasses to boot.
I naturally use my poise and composure as this "woman" steps out of her "car" *
Me: (dusting myself off...to noone in particular): What in the F*CK! (turns to lady) What the f*ck is WRONG with you?
Lady: What?
Me: 'the f*ck do you MEAN "what"? You f*ckin drove into me! Are you f*ckin blind!?! (waives hand in the direction of her glasses) Oh wait you ARE nevermind.
Lady: I did? NO I didn't!
Me: You didn't hear the f*ckin THUD as I BOUNCED off yer f*ckin hood? You deaf too?
Lady: You watch'yeh mouth! I didn't hit you. And even if I did you shoulda seen me coming!
Me: You turned left across a f*cking SIDEWALK! (I have now been over-emphasizing the f-word each time I use it in response to "watch your mouth" This should be a surprise to noone) On what f*cking PLANET do you have the right of way?
Lady: You watch y---
Me: Shut the f*ck up and get a defogger for those coke bottles of yours so you can f*ckin' see (her glasses WERE fogging up badly ) Thank God you drive that shitbox or you would have broken my leg!
*I proceed as planned...marching into the store ahead of her, rubbing my sore bottom along the way...stomping my boots out....and picking up the three or so items I told Kelly I would get....checking out (the lady is about two people in line behind me...muttering obscenities). I gear back up and head back out into the snow in a much worse mood than when I had started.
And then I have a moment of clarity.
This woman had the balls to honk at me as she sputtered by and waived. I ignored it. "Learning from her past mistake", she doesn't stop at the red light at the top of the hill....barreling through she has to swerve out of the way of a Bimmer at the intersection...she slides....shimmies right.....and ends up on the sidewalk.....didn't hit anything...but she was half stuck....*
Me: (muttering to myself) Who has the right of way now?
*....I've been hit by a Ford Festiva in the middle of a snow storm.....what the hell?*
* Over the weekend I had the pleasure of walking half a mile through the snow to go to CVS to pick up some odds and ends during the "moderate" snow storm we had around here (moderate...in the DC Metro area means anywhere between .5" to 12 FEET of snow apparently). That wasn't my problem. I like snow! I do! I have NO worries dressing up like an eskimo and frolicking in God's dandruff....and it was a nice respite from being stuck inside. Nono.....my gripes have more to do with what I saw and who I had to deal with after I walked out the door....and proceeded to get clipped by a car.....
but not just ANY car....nono.....not me!
First thing is first. Why in Christ's name would you try driving through four inches of slippery, brownish white sludge in a fockin' Ford Festiva, running BALD tires most humans would mistake for drink coasters standing on end? You honestly expect to go up a hill with that "three-cylinder mountain goat" of yours? I could rollerblade through this shit better than you! Wake the fock up! Honestly.
I understand not wanting to deal with all the people in the supermarket or where ever the night before...I had to go and pick up stuff with Kel... There wasn't a can of SOUP to be had. It snowed for what? 9 hours? You're going to eat 12 cans of soup in 9 hours? I hope you bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper and about three good books because I know where you and that beef stew of yours will be, come Sunday!
....but I digress.....back to the Festiva.
I was walking up and over the hill to CVS on Columbia Pike. It was a small hike but it was cool. I couldn't believe how many cars were out on the road. I mean, the road was seriously a ski slope (which is why I chose not to drive in the first place). I can understand if you have a truck or an SUV or at least SOME kind of AWD...but people were out in friggin mustangs with summer street tires! It's going to take you half an hour to go 12 feet in this...what is so important you can't wait for a plow or two? THAT'S when I first saw the Festiva bravely scurrying up the slope. I laughed out loud....Hell I sat on a closed store's window sill and watched for a while....whistling a circus tune for the clown car. It was fantastic and mind-blowing. This little car sounded like it was on Death's door, and as it went I could see the blue cloud leaving a faint trail of oil residue on the snow behind it.
The best part? There's a light at the crest of the hill. As soon as the car stopped gunning it to stop at the red light? it started sliding halfway back down the hill again...I was chuckling...this was classic.
I decided that this little Festiva Dance at the intersection was going to take hours...so I continue on my way to CVS Pharmacy. I'm now going down the other side of the hill. Eventually I hear the sputter and whine behind me indicating that the The Little Car that Could had caught up to me. Turns out this rag was going to CVS as well. The car stops in front of the drive waiting to make a left into the lot.....I'm walking across the entrance...there's noone blocking this lady's view...I'm right there...I have a walk signal...I'm on the sidewalk....
Bitch GUNS it and proceeds to clip me....knocks me flat on my ass....doesn't even focking STOP! She pulls in and parks! When she gets out I'm furious and flabbergasted at the same time. The lady is in a fur coat, shaggy and old, a bathrobe over jeans with furry slipper-booties and a BIG babushka (sp?). SHe has those BIG old lady glasses to boot.
I naturally use my poise and composure as this "woman" steps out of her "car"
* Me: (dusting myself off...to noone in particular): What in the F*CK! (turns to lady) What the f*ck is WRONG with you?
Lady: What?
Me: 'the f*ck do you MEAN "what"? You f*ckin drove into me! Are you f*ckin blind!?! (waives hand in the direction of her glasses) Oh wait you ARE nevermind.
Lady: I did? NO I didn't!
Me: You didn't hear the f*ckin THUD as I BOUNCED off yer f*ckin hood? You deaf too?
Lady: You watch'yeh mouth! I didn't hit you. And even if I did you shoulda seen me coming!
Me: You turned left across a f*cking SIDEWALK! (I have now been over-emphasizing the f-word each time I use it in response to "watch your mouth"
This should be a surprise to noone) On what f*cking PLANET do you have the right of way? Lady: You watch y---
Me: Shut the f*ck up and get a defogger for those coke bottles of yours so you can f*ckin' see (her glasses WERE fogging up badly
) Thank God you drive that shitbox or you would have broken my leg! *I proceed as planned...marching into the store ahead of her, rubbing my sore bottom along the way...stomping my boots out....and picking up the three or so items I told Kelly I would get....checking out (the lady is about two people in line behind me...muttering obscenities). I gear back up and head back out into the snow in a much worse mood than when I had started.
And then I have a moment of clarity.
This woman had the balls to honk at me as she sputtered by and waived. I ignored it. "Learning from her past mistake", she doesn't stop at the red light at the top of the hill....barreling through she has to swerve out of the way of a Bimmer at the intersection...she slides....shimmies right.....and ends up on the sidewalk.....didn't hit anything...but she was half stuck....*
Me: (muttering to myself) Who has the right of way now?
*....I've been hit by a Ford Festiva in the middle of a snow storm.....what the hell?*
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From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
Originally Posted by mikes2k,Jan 25 2005, 12:34 PM
Jimmy your misfortune never ceases to amaze me! Did she put in a claim for you denting her bumper?
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From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
Originally Posted by zdave87,Jan 25 2005, 12:05 PM
FockerTV.
FOX TV on Saturday nights at 9pm, following COPS.
FOX TV on Saturday nights at 9pm, following COPS.
