A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.

"Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat.

"They didn't offer us a single bite!"

"What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish."

 

:rimshot:

 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

I'm suffering from amnesia and deja-vu:

I've seen this joke before, but I can't remember. . .

 

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!".

Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.

The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!

 

 

 

One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "why are you crying?"

The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"

 

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

 

Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic?



He used to lie awake all night wondering whether there really was a dog!