The Ledification of Edward M. Focker
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 12,891
Likes: 0
From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
Hey Mr. DJ.... Choke on Your Mic!!: Jimmy Led on Wedding Receptions
*A wedding....the union of two people before their families, their friends, and God.....sometimes also occasionally before an Elvis impersonator.... Regardless, it's a beautiful thing by any standard or measure. The matrimony aspect of a wedding is not what confuses me. It's the reception afterward that leaves me scratching my head.
This past weekend Kelly was in town to go to the wedding of one of my good friends and former rommate. The ceremony was actually really nice, and for once we actually managed to get somewhere before the thing was supposed to start (granted...by three minutes...but that's actually pretty good for us.) The ceremony itself was very nice....and the little cocktail hour while we waited for the reception hall to be opened was equally classy.
Enter the Wedding Disc Jockey...
We get to the hall and are seated at our table. With us for all of this was my friend, Pace, who's dryer vent I might add....is functioning flawlessly
. We introduce ourselves to the rest of the crowd at our table. The wedding party is introduced and enters... the traditional dances take place...all fairly straight forward.... But then things...took a turn.
This is where most receptions go downhill for me. Don't get me wrong...the food was plentiful and it was very good, but the DJ was making it very hard for me swallow. Virginia is a weird blend of country and rock and roll, and the DJ was no exception. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against country music...even if it isn't my cup of tea, but shit...as soon as it piped into the hall you could stand up and see the room divide into the folks from NY and the good ole'boys from Virginia.... Everyone from The Mason Dixon Line, north immediately had the words "open bar" pop into their heads
Since trying to describe my woes about weddings in chronological order would take WAY too fockin long...let's break it down:
----Every wedding has that one weird guy, dry-humping the air to every song playing on the dance floor. It's insane. I dunno if they're drunk that early, but I'd bet a nut that they'd still be thrusting even if The Crying Game came on. What the hell? There they are...friggin pumping their genitals at the bridesmaids like the worst focking aerobic workout video you've EVER...SEEN. If it weren't for the douche's Docker slacks his nads would be smacking him in the nose!....Ugh! And if he pumped his fists any harder he'd probably deck somebody! LET'S HEAR IT FOR LOVE FOLKS! Jesus Christ, it's painful to watch. I literally grimmace. These assholes are the primary reason why most white guys don't like to dance....It's not that we always don't want to....it's because we're scared wizzless we might actually end up looking like that guy! The only time someone should go into convulsions like that is if they have been exposed to nerve gas. Sit DOWN!
----People who request shitty songs at weddings should be forced to sit in a broom closet and think about what they've done until the song...and possibly the entire party....is over. There should be a penalty box for this crap. It's even worse when somebody requests a song in your name....as Pace attempted to do repeatedly. At one point you'd hear "This one goes out courtesy of Jim!" and then Bootyliscious came on. What the hell? Somebody get me a friggin drink!
----There are some songs that, while cool at other times...to me...just don't make sense at a wedding. AC/DC?? How the hell did that get into the pipeline?
----Who decided that the celebration of two people's love for one another should naturally involve The Electric Slide or The Chicken Dance? It's focking beyond me. There is not enough booze on the planet for me to pour down my throat and think "Hey! That's a great focking idea!" If you ever hear me say "boggie woogie woogie" in any other context beyond ridiculing someone...find a gun...load it..and shoot me through the head.
ALL of this shit is the DJ's fault. ALL of it! You are the Master of Ceremonies....you're the judge and the jury.... If a song sucks? SKIP IT!!!! Say you forgot! Say you don't have the track....ANYTHING! BURN your copies of The Electric Slide!...DO IT NOW! The Macarena? The fockin Chicken Dance!?! You're supposed to be blessing this union...not friggin inspiring God to strike the couple down in the parking lot when they leave!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit OUT of your head, no matter how much you try and tune it out while it's played?! It's like f-ing herpes of the EARS! Once it's there there's no f-ing CURE! Stop giving that douchebag in the slacks excuses to dry hump the Maid of Honor while accidentally punching the flower girl! She has her whole life ahead of her...don't RUIN it!
.......I swear...it's enough to make you understand divorce.....*
*A wedding....the union of two people before their families, their friends, and God.....sometimes also occasionally before an Elvis impersonator.... Regardless, it's a beautiful thing by any standard or measure. The matrimony aspect of a wedding is not what confuses me. It's the reception afterward that leaves me scratching my head.
This past weekend Kelly was in town to go to the wedding of one of my good friends and former rommate. The ceremony was actually really nice, and for once we actually managed to get somewhere before the thing was supposed to start (granted...by three minutes...but that's actually pretty good for us.) The ceremony itself was very nice....and the little cocktail hour while we waited for the reception hall to be opened was equally classy.
Enter the Wedding Disc Jockey...
We get to the hall and are seated at our table. With us for all of this was my friend, Pace, who's dryer vent I might add....is functioning flawlessly
. We introduce ourselves to the rest of the crowd at our table. The wedding party is introduced and enters... the traditional dances take place...all fairly straight forward.... But then things...took a turn.This is where most receptions go downhill for me. Don't get me wrong...the food was plentiful and it was very good, but the DJ was making it very hard for me swallow. Virginia is a weird blend of country and rock and roll, and the DJ was no exception. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against country music...even if it isn't my cup of tea, but shit...as soon as it piped into the hall you could stand up and see the room divide into the folks from NY and the good ole'boys from Virginia.... Everyone from The Mason Dixon Line, north immediately had the words "open bar" pop into their heads
Since trying to describe my woes about weddings in chronological order would take WAY too fockin long...let's break it down:
----Every wedding has that one weird guy, dry-humping the air to every song playing on the dance floor. It's insane. I dunno if they're drunk that early, but I'd bet a nut that they'd still be thrusting even if The Crying Game came on. What the hell? There they are...friggin pumping their genitals at the bridesmaids like the worst focking aerobic workout video you've EVER...SEEN. If it weren't for the douche's Docker slacks his nads would be smacking him in the nose!....Ugh! And if he pumped his fists any harder he'd probably deck somebody! LET'S HEAR IT FOR LOVE FOLKS! Jesus Christ, it's painful to watch. I literally grimmace. These assholes are the primary reason why most white guys don't like to dance....It's not that we always don't want to....it's because we're scared wizzless we might actually end up looking like that guy! The only time someone should go into convulsions like that is if they have been exposed to nerve gas. Sit DOWN!
----People who request shitty songs at weddings should be forced to sit in a broom closet and think about what they've done until the song...and possibly the entire party....is over. There should be a penalty box for this crap. It's even worse when somebody requests a song in your name....as Pace attempted to do repeatedly. At one point you'd hear "This one goes out courtesy of Jim!" and then Bootyliscious came on. What the hell? Somebody get me a friggin drink!
----There are some songs that, while cool at other times...to me...just don't make sense at a wedding. AC/DC?? How the hell did that get into the pipeline?
----Who decided that the celebration of two people's love for one another should naturally involve The Electric Slide or The Chicken Dance? It's focking beyond me. There is not enough booze on the planet for me to pour down my throat and think "Hey! That's a great focking idea!" If you ever hear me say "boggie woogie woogie" in any other context beyond ridiculing someone...find a gun...load it..and shoot me through the head.
ALL of this shit is the DJ's fault. ALL of it! You are the Master of Ceremonies....you're the judge and the jury.... If a song sucks? SKIP IT!!!! Say you forgot! Say you don't have the track....ANYTHING! BURN your copies of The Electric Slide!...DO IT NOW! The Macarena? The fockin Chicken Dance!?! You're supposed to be blessing this union...not friggin inspiring God to strike the couple down in the parking lot when they leave!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit OUT of your head, no matter how much you try and tune it out while it's played?! It's like f-ing herpes of the EARS! Once it's there there's no f-ing CURE! Stop giving that douchebag in the slacks excuses to dry hump the Maid of Honor while accidentally punching the flower girl! She has her whole life ahead of her...don't RUIN it!
.......I swear...it's enough to make you understand divorce.....*
