tokyo_james

This thread is for posting of your favourite quotes and scenes from Monty Python.

It is also likely to be whored to death, but that is just a symptom of being posted in the Corner ....

tokyo_james

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise....

Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency....

Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope....

Our *four*...no...

*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise....

S2020

"Tis but a flesh wound"


(killer rabbit)

"run away run away!"

wicky

"call the church!"

"call the police!"

"call the church police!"

"alright....... THE CHURCH POLICE!"


(church police drive up......)

mikes2k

mikes2k

Brian: "Who cured you?"


Ex-leper: "Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder."


Brian: "Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?"


Ex-leper: "Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--"


Mandy: "Brian! Come and clean your room out."


Brian: "There you are."


Ex-leper: "Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?"


Brian: "There's no pleasing some people."


Ex-leper: "That's just what Jesus said, sir."

mikes2k

Stan: "I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'"
Reg: "What?!"
Stan: "It's my right as a man."
Judith: "Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?"
Stan: "I want to have babies."
Reg: "You want to have babies?!"
Stan: "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."
Reg: "But... you can't have babies."
Stan: "Don't you oppress me."
Reg: "I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!"

S2020

that John Cleese!!!

1QUICK1

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

(Insert menacing chord)

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!



NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

brantshali

[thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER:
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER:
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:
Why?
CART MASTER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.