[gurgle]
GALAHAD:
There it is!
ARTHUR:
The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN:
Oh, great.
ARTHUR:
Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
BEDEVERE:
What is he doing here?
ARTHUR:
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
GALAHAD:
Three questions.
ARTHUR:
Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
GALAHAD:
Three questions.
ARTHUR:
Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN:
What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR:
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN:
Oh, I won't go.
GALAHAD:
Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR:
Sir Robin!
ROBIN:
Yes?
ARTHUR:
Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN:
Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT:
Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ARTHUR:
No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
GALAHAD:
Three questions.
ARTHUR:
Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT:
I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR:
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Stop!
Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT:
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your name?
LAUNCELOT:
My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your quest?
LAUNCELOT:
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT:
Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT:
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN:
That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN:
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your name?
ROBIN:
'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your quest?
ROBIN:
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
ROBIN:
I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Stop! What... is your name?
GALAHAD:
'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your quest?
GALAHAD:
I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD:
Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ARTHUR:
It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is your quest?
ARTHUR:
To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER:
Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE:
How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]

 

Strange Women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis
for a system of government! "Supreme executive power derives
from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
ceremony."

 

I forgot that part!

 

-The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

 

My friend signed that entire part from memory in my high school year book...

 

Thats some memory! (photographic?)

I've owned the "Monty Python and The Holy Grail (Book)" for years. It contains the entire script with all the scratches, hand written notes, additions, deletions and such. It's quite a reference.

 

...

'tis a silly place...

...

 

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!


Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

 

AND

Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.
Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean,
nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
M: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
S: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
M: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more,
knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
S: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
M: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a
wink to a blind bat!
S: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
M: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?
(pause)
M: Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
S: Well, I, uh....
M: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
S: Um, she likes sport, yes!
M: I bet she does, I bet she does!
S: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
M: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been
around a bit, been around?
S: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.
(pause)
M: SAY NO MORE!!
M: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!
S: I wasn't going to!
M: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib?
Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay?
"Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?
S: Photography?
M: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
S: Holiday snaps, eh?
M: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know,
CANDID photography?
S: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
M: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
S: Look... are you insinuating something?
M: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
S: Well?
M: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.
S: Yes...
M: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh....
You've "done it"....
S: What do you mean?
M: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
S: Yes....
M: What's it like?

 

But wait there is more......

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you moralize,
When I'm between your thighs;
You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face and let my love be truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
And we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,
'Till we're blown away!