Story II has been on a downward spiral for a bit. Let's start a new one.

Once upon a time there was a monkey. He was no ordinary monkey, brown, climbing trees and such, he was special. What made him special? I'm glad you asked. It was his...

 

Extremely large Pen*s...all the gurlz loved too do stuff with it like...

 

hang him from a tree with it, while they did this to him he would say...

 

Oooh..That feels good..now go get that paddle and...

 

let's play doubles ping-pong! Alas (and alack) there was no table to be found, because...

 

they had all been destroyed in the horrible table disappearance of '89. Back in my day, not only did we have ping-pong tables but we...

 

fraternity pledge initiation hardwood paddles with holes drilled in them for maximum butt sting (and blood). This was, of course, before they frowned on hazing tricks, like biting live goldfish in half and swallowing them, eating catfood and chocolate covered bees, standing on a wall blindfolded with a rope tied around your balls at one end and a brick at the other end (trusting that an active will cut the string quickly enough after you drop the brick), rolling in the sand on the beach in your underwear at night covered in motor oil, having trash cans of your own (and others) vomit dumped all over you, reaching around in a toilet blindfolded and fishing out something squishy (you don't know it's a banana) and rubbing it all over yourself, taking bites out of the side of a huge raw catfish hanging from the ceiling, going home afterwards, brushing your teeth with Ajax, sitting down to a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream and every bite tastes like -- bees. Now, however, they

 

torture you with non-alcohol policies and treehugger conventions, where one may be forced to collect donations for...

 

the CPOA(Constipated People Of America) foundation which is trying to find a cure for constipation. One day they came up with a medicine that made people..

 

have the trots for weeks on end. Only later was it disclosed that the CPOA was a holding company for Immodium. To this day, the rumor is that the founders of the CPOA made millions, which have since been funneled into ...