UnkieTrunkie's Yearly Christmas Rant
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From: SJC
UnkieTrunkie's Yearly Christmas Rant
I can safely say I f@#king hate Christmas with the white hot hatred of a thousand stars. You see, I hate Christmas music.
I hate "Sleigh Ride." As most of you know, I don't have a lot of bloodlust or hatred, but if Leroy Anderson (the asshole who composed that monster turd of a song) were still alive, I would shoot him in the kneecap, then take a scalpel and ritually disembowel him while the blood from the kneecap wound was still gushing out. As I clutch his internal organs in my hand cackling wildly, I'd then light them on fire using the sheet music of "Sleigh Ride" as kindling. You may ask, "Sheesh? Why do you hate that song?" Trust me, unless you're a musician, particularly a Hornist, you won't understand.
The Carol of The Bells, if played under any other auspice, would be mistaken for a Horror theme. Seriously, imagine you're walking on the beach in July, and you started humming that out of the blue. . . think about it. . . it's f'n creepy.
If you're an adult singing "Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer," and you're not helping kids sing it, chances are you get psychotic if you can't get all of your gifts. You should probably be euthanized.
"What Child is This?" should be banned. The song is f_cking called "Greensleeves." The song is not a religious missive, it's the Renaissance predecessor to Merle Haggard.
"Silent Night," "O Holy Night," "Away In A Manger," and "Angels We Have Heard On High" are all perfectly fine songs. . . now, can you sing them well? If you're thinking of singing "O Holy Night," just stop. Unless somebody is offering you cash to sing it, chances are you can't sing it.
Do you have a CD player or an mp3 player? Great. Go to your preferred Music vendor and procure "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Vince Guaraldi. Neat-o, isn't it? Now, stop asking me to play, "that song from Charlie Brown. . . no, not that one. . . you know the one. . . "
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is, once again, a fine song, but let us not sing the first verse seventeen times. What? You don't like the words of the other verses? You're worried about confusing people with arcane references to figgy pudding? Then, either fix some damn figgy pudding or get rid of the song.
If you have any inclination to add 'Urban Yodeling' to any Christmas song, you should be beaten badly, and be forced to replace your Mariah Carey CDs with Jim Nabors albums.
I'm not playing "Jingle Bell Rock" for you. Some douche just asked for that 45 minutes ago. . . I don't care if it's your favorite song, I'm only playing it 7 times a day. . . that's the rule.
And lastly, don't ever tell me you don't like the songs I'm playing. . . it's Christmas time, and you hired me to play Christmas music.
Santa don't like getting whiz on his lap, and I hate your taste in Music. Suck up and deal.
I hate "Sleigh Ride." As most of you know, I don't have a lot of bloodlust or hatred, but if Leroy Anderson (the asshole who composed that monster turd of a song) were still alive, I would shoot him in the kneecap, then take a scalpel and ritually disembowel him while the blood from the kneecap wound was still gushing out. As I clutch his internal organs in my hand cackling wildly, I'd then light them on fire using the sheet music of "Sleigh Ride" as kindling. You may ask, "Sheesh? Why do you hate that song?" Trust me, unless you're a musician, particularly a Hornist, you won't understand.
The Carol of The Bells, if played under any other auspice, would be mistaken for a Horror theme. Seriously, imagine you're walking on the beach in July, and you started humming that out of the blue. . . think about it. . . it's f'n creepy.
If you're an adult singing "Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer," and you're not helping kids sing it, chances are you get psychotic if you can't get all of your gifts. You should probably be euthanized.
"What Child is This?" should be banned. The song is f_cking called "Greensleeves." The song is not a religious missive, it's the Renaissance predecessor to Merle Haggard.
"Silent Night," "O Holy Night," "Away In A Manger," and "Angels We Have Heard On High" are all perfectly fine songs. . . now, can you sing them well? If you're thinking of singing "O Holy Night," just stop. Unless somebody is offering you cash to sing it, chances are you can't sing it.
Do you have a CD player or an mp3 player? Great. Go to your preferred Music vendor and procure "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Vince Guaraldi. Neat-o, isn't it? Now, stop asking me to play, "that song from Charlie Brown. . . no, not that one. . . you know the one. . . "
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is, once again, a fine song, but let us not sing the first verse seventeen times. What? You don't like the words of the other verses? You're worried about confusing people with arcane references to figgy pudding? Then, either fix some damn figgy pudding or get rid of the song.
If you have any inclination to add 'Urban Yodeling' to any Christmas song, you should be beaten badly, and be forced to replace your Mariah Carey CDs with Jim Nabors albums.
I'm not playing "Jingle Bell Rock" for you. Some douche just asked for that 45 minutes ago. . . I don't care if it's your favorite song, I'm only playing it 7 times a day. . . that's the rule.
And lastly, don't ever tell me you don't like the songs I'm playing. . . it's Christmas time, and you hired me to play Christmas music.
Santa don't like getting whiz on his lap, and I hate your taste in Music. Suck up and deal.
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From: Pensacola
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From: SoCal
I feel like I've read this before...
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From: SJC
My Annual Christmas Rant is about Christmas day, so I'll wait a couple of weeks.
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From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
The one thing I think I would like to add to this fine ranting would be a generalized complaint that the "Christmas Season" has somehow successfully absorbed all of the surrounding holidays to the point that stores are setting up fiber optic artificial trees by the 5th of focking July.
Look....I like the holidays as a concept. I like snowy weather (within reason) and the occasional song if it isn't Kenny G or somebody I don't know singing like they gargle with sand each morning.... but could we at least wait until Autumn before we start worrying about December?
While we're at it....Can I PLEASE enjoy Halloween as the night all girls get a free pass to dress like naughty animals in peace!?!
GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING! TO YOU AND YOUR FISHNETS! YOU SAY YOU'RE A "KITTEN" BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEAR!
Look....I like the holidays as a concept. I like snowy weather (within reason) and the occasional song if it isn't Kenny G or somebody I don't know singing like they gargle with sand each morning.... but could we at least wait until Autumn before we start worrying about December?
While we're at it....Can I PLEASE enjoy Halloween as the night all girls get a free pass to dress like naughty animals in peace!?!
GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING! TO YOU AND YOUR FISHNETS! YOU SAY YOU'RE A "KITTEN" BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEAR!
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From: Port-au-Prince, Haiti
Maybe it's just that the songs need some updates?
NOW BRING US SOME JIGGLY BOOOO-TY!
NOW BRIIING US SOME JIGGLY BOOO-TY!
NOW BRING US SOME JIGGLY BOOOOOOOO-TYYYYYY!
I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY ALL YEAR!
NOW BRING US SOME JIGGLY BOOOO-TY!
NOW BRIIING US SOME JIGGLY BOOO-TY!
NOW BRING US SOME JIGGLY BOOOOOOOO-TYYYYYY!
I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY ALL YEAR!