'Bring out your dead!'

------------------------
[thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER:
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER:
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:
Why?
CART MASTER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.

 

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise .... surprise and fear .... fear and surprise .... Our two weapons are fear and surprise .... and ruthless efficiency .... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency .... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope .... Our four .... no .... Amongst our weapons .... Amongst our weaponry .... are such elements as fear, surprise .... I'll come in again.

( The Spanish Inquisition EXITS)

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

( JARRING CHORD ) (The Spanish Inquisition Enters)

Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as : fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn ! ( To Cardinal Biggles ) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles : What!

Ximinez : You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Biggles : (Rather Horrified At The Prospect)
I couldn't do that ...

Xinimez bundles the cardinals out of the room again.

GC : I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

( JARRING CHORD ) ( The Spanish Inquisition Enters Again)

Biggles : Er .... Nobody .... um ....
Ximinez : Expects ....
Biggles : Expects .... Nobody expects the .... um .... the Spanish .... um ....
Ximinez : Inquisition
Biggles : I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect ...
Ximinez : ( Interrupting Biggles ) Our chief weapons are ....
Biggles : Our chief weapons are .... um .... er
Ximinez : Surprise ....
Biggles : Surprise and ....
Ximinez : ( Interrupting Biggles Again) Okay, stop. STOP. Stop there - stop there Stop.