When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

 

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

 

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

 

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

 

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

 

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

 

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?