I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

 

bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

 

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

 

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

 

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

 

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

 

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

 

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

 

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.