A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He said.

"Oh . . . Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep: 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists

 

What big, green, fuzzy all over, it's got four legs, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?











Answer: A pool table*

*complements of laffy taffy

 

*If anyone is easily offended with jokes - please exit the thread now *




One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

 

What do you get when you cross Raggety Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?









A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.

 

LMAO Raptor.

 

From Tedow: Please don't post jokes that most would consider racist. I'm not a very PC person, but some lines I just don't cross in a public forum.

 

 

A man roamed the grocery store calling out "crisco" "crisco" where the hell is "crisco?" A store employee walked up to the man and directed him to the crisco. As they were talking, a woman walked up and the man said, "there you are "crisco." The woman looked over to the clerk and said "it's ok. At home he calls me fat ass."