The adventures of little vtec9
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The adventures of little vtec9
The Adventures of Little Vtec9
I love him. Now you can love him too*.
Chapter 1: South Beach, Miami Beach, FL.
My first trip to South Beach, I was underage. My second trip, I was a pussy.. metaphorically. Here is the story of my third.
Day 1; Thursday.
My plane leaves 15 minutes late and pisses me off. No pun intended. If 15 minutes doesn't seem like much to you, then you've never been to South Beach.. or Connecticut. There are two smoking hot female friends in seats 15A and 15B on the plane wearing equally skimpy dresses and equally ridiculous heels. They are labeled as hoes. When I see the Louis Vuitton hand bag, they are labeled as stuck up hoes.. which I would gladly pay for. I try to peek through the zipper to get a better look, but I get smashed in the head from above. I stand at attention only on command so it seems. Whatever.. I'd give it to them real good. 15C is occupied by a fat man trying to dress nicely, but failing. He is discussing garage size with a business associate quite pretentiously. The conversation makes little sense to me as an outsider. I want to wrap soap in a pillow case and bash him in the repeatedly in the face, but I have no arms, only a long leg. My ticket reads 15F, but thankfully the flight is partially empty and I'm left alone with all three seats. I sleep.
I'm in Miami -- 11:30 am. I make the mistake of taking the Super Shuttle to save $10 off a cab. Forty wasted minutes later, I say goodbye to the eastern European Asshat sitting next to me with the ridiculously tight jeans and stupid shirt left over from the fall of the USSR.. But here I am.. my hotel, dead center on Ocean drive in the heart of South Beach, shortly after noon.. beautiful weather, beautiful beach, beautiful women. I'll be all alone for about two hours before my two friends show up, so I unpack a bit, change, wizz myself silly, and head out to get into some STD free trouble..
There's no better way to start off the day than a nice big ass slushy with 150 proof alchy.. and no better place to get one than good ole Wet Willies. So I stroll upstairs, park my other half at the bar, and try to look cool. I notice two very, very cute chicks sitting down the other end of the bar at a table. Well, notice is a poor word choice as that might imply I wasn't immediately staring at them like a jackass. So in an effort to not look like a looser for too long, I decide to walk over to chat them up, hoping a bit of liquid courage and my most ****able grin will do most of the work.
One girl looks pretty tall, and is quite hot. She is a fake blond, but I think her dark roots are presented on purpose.. normally for that nice trashy look that screams whore, but on her, honestly it just looks sexy. She is fairly skinny, ok rack, wearing a yellow sundress, white flip flops. The other girl, a brunette, is much more petite, but has a very nice set of fun bags. She is not as hot, but she could definitely get it.. no questions asked.
I arrive (I like that word choice.. Christ arrived. The Sphere arrived. vtec9 arrived) and tell them I was a bubble boy as a child.. so would they like to come help me build my first sandcastle? No, that's a joke, but I laughed at the idea of saying that on the way over. So, lets try this again. I arrive and ask if I can sit down because my parents left me here with only $5 and now I'm broke, and after this slushy, I'll have nothing to do. Yes, seriously. The blond girl laughs (let's call her Matilda), the other asks me if I am serious with a slightly bitchy tone (let's call her Gertrude). I tell her, yes, apparently I embarrass my parents because I always make a scene on the yacht, and TV and candy doesn't work as a baby sitter anymore.. and I shake my delicious orange slushy. Ok, her big smile and cute little laugh tells me she knows I'm joking now, so I ask her why her parents left her alone at a bar too.. Matilda jokingly chimes in that Gerty's parent's can't take her anywhere.. then says can't you tell she's a real handful? I deliberately look down and stare at her chest for a second, then look up at her, smile and nod
I am laughing my ass off inside. She puts this half smile half astonished look on and says "AWWWH!" or some shit.. Matilda laughs. I'm off to a good start. The key is to challenge them.. don't try to be a friend.. because, why the **** would I want to be their friend?
The convo takes a more serious turn, but I continue to keep it light, poking fun at them, and gladly taking some in return. They are both pretty witty and sarcastic.. me likey. I end up telling them I'm just passing some time before my friends get here, at which point I'll be at the mercy of the party Gods, and all responsibility for action from that point on shall be removed from my jurisdiction. We chat a bit more. They are from PA, this is their first time in South Beach, and they too are waiting for a couple friends to arrive later in the day from I don't remember where. I tell them I've been a few times, and after asking them what they plan on doing with their time, I recommend a few good places to go out.. yadda yadda. We bullshit for maybe 20 minutes and they show no signs of being bored, but I figure I've already planted the seed, so I'll make my exit and let that shit germinate. I hint that my friends will be arriving soon and I should get back to the hotel to let them in. My wit pays dividends as I am asked for a number, and given the suggestion that we maybe meet up later 'or something.' Batting .1000. I don't bother to get their number because honestly, I wouldn't be upset if I never heard from them again.. and jumping ahead here a bit.. I never did
If they really wanted to, they would have called. No point pressing the issue with people I'd never see again after one incredibly steamy, passionate night where our two, or three, bodies would merge as one. Shit.. maybe I should have gotten a number.
But anyway, sorry guys.. this part of the story is a dead end. Sadly, I don't end up hanging out with every girl I meet for months, don't stick it in her anus on night one, and don't get a ZJ from her sister on day two.. but apparently neither does a certain someone else we know.
So we part ways. I estimate my friends will get here in about 30 minutes, so I walk around a bit and buy some suntan lotion.. can't risk turning from bronzed god to lobster man. Back at the hotel I try to get my laptop to connect to the wireless, but it won't work in the room. Apparently the signal from the single router can't penetrate from the lobby all the way through the thick ass walls to the third floor.. who would have thunk? I bring the pc down to the lobby to get a signal, and right then my friends walk through the door. They were supposed to call when close so I could make sure to be there.. I'm surrounded by dumbasses.
Boring parts: go up stairs, go get food, go to beach.
4pm, we're at the beach. The sun is still very high in the sky in Miami at 4pm and it's still maybe 90*. My weatherman tells me the uv index is a 5. My friends run down like idiots to the water immediately. I remember my first vacation too guys.. have fun. I plop down, glad to soak up some rays and stare at half naked, and 3/4 naked women at the beach. Between you and me, that's what sunglasses are for fellas.. remember that and think to yourself that no one suspects a thing. So I'm sitting there alone for maybe ten minutes when this group of three girls and one guy wander over about ten feet to the left of us and set up shop. All three girls are pretty cute. Two of them and the guy are clearly Hispanic. The third girl is plane jane whitey. So three of them leave right away to go down to the water, leaving Plane Jane behind. Maybe they saw my friends giggling and having so much fun, and just had to join in.
So, as coincidence would have it.. here I am alone again, ten feet from a lone, cute girlie
Five or so minutes pass during which I peek over a few times.. and notice in my peripheral view, her doing the same once or twice. After that, she gets up and walks over to me, and asks if I'll watch their stuff for 'just a minute.' I tell her jokingly that I don't know.. that iPod would buy me drinks for the night.. She laughs, says something I don't remember, and I agree to play lookout. She walks down to the water.. I stare at her ass. It was nice. I want to bite it. Her pink bikini bottom makes me think of cotton candy. I see her holla at her posse for a quick second, do some hand motions, and then walk back up. Does she know I'm looking at her? Of course not.. I'm wearing sunglasses Lolzz.. right. But I take off my glasses at she approaches, we make eye contact, and exchange smiles. She tells me thanks.. I say, well you weren't gone long enough for my plan to take action.. My bronzed physique must have impressed, as she was quite receptive. She responds, I'll let you know when I'll be gone longer.. take my friends stuff and we'll both buy drinks with it tonight. I'm just like.. oh shit. Having good luck today. We talk for maybe 45 seconds about the reason for our presence in south beach, etc. She and her friends are down from Orlando for the weekend, and they are actually staying in the same hotel as I. Just then my wet slobbering friends show up, so as not to distract myself from the ensuing tons-o-fun, I tell her well, I'm sure I'll see you around then. We converse very briefly with one another a couple times over the next hour and a half before our departure, but nothing worth mentioning.
The rest of the day is not inspiring. We eat dinner at Johnny Rockets, which is in the building below Irene Marie models from the short lived MTV shit show Ocean Drive. They are both located in the building used for the notorious chain saw scene in Scarface. I'm honored to sit where you once walk, Manny. I dedicate this bacon cheese burger to you, Angel Martinez.
That night we just hung out on the strip. We kill a 750ml bottle of vodka, and half a 750ml bottle of tequila during the pregame session. We hang out at one of the many little restaurants on Ocean Drive for 2x1 drinks.. two huge ass mojitos later, we're all shitty. A nice, shiny Maserati pulls up right behind where we're sitting and a large familiar looking black man and his friend exit the car. It is Daunte Culpepper. At first I didn't recognize him because he wasn't throwing an interception. Apparently he was bored though, because he jumps ship after maybe 10 minutes. We decide to leave shortly thereafter as well, seeing as we're shit faced and it's like 2:30 am.. In my drunken wisdom, I decide to take a picture with the hot ass hostess who's magical chest I was staring at all night. I'll post it up later when I get the set from my buddy. I assume she thought I was creepy.. I care not.
*Loving of little vtec9 based on strict prior approval. Pre-approved application sent to c_unit and the girls in zdave's avatar. Check your inbox.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 2; Friday.
To be continued tomorrow.. trust a brotha, it gets juuuuust a bit more interesting
I love him. Now you can love him too*.
Chapter 1: South Beach, Miami Beach, FL.
My first trip to South Beach, I was underage. My second trip, I was a pussy.. metaphorically. Here is the story of my third.
Day 1; Thursday.
My plane leaves 15 minutes late and pisses me off. No pun intended. If 15 minutes doesn't seem like much to you, then you've never been to South Beach.. or Connecticut. There are two smoking hot female friends in seats 15A and 15B on the plane wearing equally skimpy dresses and equally ridiculous heels. They are labeled as hoes. When I see the Louis Vuitton hand bag, they are labeled as stuck up hoes.. which I would gladly pay for. I try to peek through the zipper to get a better look, but I get smashed in the head from above. I stand at attention only on command so it seems. Whatever.. I'd give it to them real good. 15C is occupied by a fat man trying to dress nicely, but failing. He is discussing garage size with a business associate quite pretentiously. The conversation makes little sense to me as an outsider. I want to wrap soap in a pillow case and bash him in the repeatedly in the face, but I have no arms, only a long leg. My ticket reads 15F, but thankfully the flight is partially empty and I'm left alone with all three seats. I sleep.
I'm in Miami -- 11:30 am. I make the mistake of taking the Super Shuttle to save $10 off a cab. Forty wasted minutes later, I say goodbye to the eastern European Asshat sitting next to me with the ridiculously tight jeans and stupid shirt left over from the fall of the USSR.. But here I am.. my hotel, dead center on Ocean drive in the heart of South Beach, shortly after noon.. beautiful weather, beautiful beach, beautiful women. I'll be all alone for about two hours before my two friends show up, so I unpack a bit, change, wizz myself silly, and head out to get into some STD free trouble..
There's no better way to start off the day than a nice big ass slushy with 150 proof alchy.. and no better place to get one than good ole Wet Willies. So I stroll upstairs, park my other half at the bar, and try to look cool. I notice two very, very cute chicks sitting down the other end of the bar at a table. Well, notice is a poor word choice as that might imply I wasn't immediately staring at them like a jackass. So in an effort to not look like a looser for too long, I decide to walk over to chat them up, hoping a bit of liquid courage and my most ****able grin will do most of the work.
One girl looks pretty tall, and is quite hot. She is a fake blond, but I think her dark roots are presented on purpose.. normally for that nice trashy look that screams whore, but on her, honestly it just looks sexy. She is fairly skinny, ok rack, wearing a yellow sundress, white flip flops. The other girl, a brunette, is much more petite, but has a very nice set of fun bags. She is not as hot, but she could definitely get it.. no questions asked.
I arrive (I like that word choice.. Christ arrived. The Sphere arrived. vtec9 arrived) and tell them I was a bubble boy as a child.. so would they like to come help me build my first sandcastle? No, that's a joke, but I laughed at the idea of saying that on the way over. So, lets try this again. I arrive and ask if I can sit down because my parents left me here with only $5 and now I'm broke, and after this slushy, I'll have nothing to do. Yes, seriously. The blond girl laughs (let's call her Matilda), the other asks me if I am serious with a slightly bitchy tone (let's call her Gertrude). I tell her, yes, apparently I embarrass my parents because I always make a scene on the yacht, and TV and candy doesn't work as a baby sitter anymore.. and I shake my delicious orange slushy. Ok, her big smile and cute little laugh tells me she knows I'm joking now, so I ask her why her parents left her alone at a bar too.. Matilda jokingly chimes in that Gerty's parent's can't take her anywhere.. then says can't you tell she's a real handful? I deliberately look down and stare at her chest for a second, then look up at her, smile and nod
I am laughing my ass off inside. She puts this half smile half astonished look on and says "AWWWH!" or some shit.. Matilda laughs. I'm off to a good start. The key is to challenge them.. don't try to be a friend.. because, why the **** would I want to be their friend? The convo takes a more serious turn, but I continue to keep it light, poking fun at them, and gladly taking some in return. They are both pretty witty and sarcastic.. me likey. I end up telling them I'm just passing some time before my friends get here, at which point I'll be at the mercy of the party Gods, and all responsibility for action from that point on shall be removed from my jurisdiction. We chat a bit more. They are from PA, this is their first time in South Beach, and they too are waiting for a couple friends to arrive later in the day from I don't remember where. I tell them I've been a few times, and after asking them what they plan on doing with their time, I recommend a few good places to go out.. yadda yadda. We bullshit for maybe 20 minutes and they show no signs of being bored, but I figure I've already planted the seed, so I'll make my exit and let that shit germinate. I hint that my friends will be arriving soon and I should get back to the hotel to let them in. My wit pays dividends as I am asked for a number, and given the suggestion that we maybe meet up later 'or something.' Batting .1000. I don't bother to get their number because honestly, I wouldn't be upset if I never heard from them again.. and jumping ahead here a bit.. I never did
If they really wanted to, they would have called. No point pressing the issue with people I'd never see again after one incredibly steamy, passionate night where our two, or three, bodies would merge as one. Shit.. maybe I should have gotten a number. But anyway, sorry guys.. this part of the story is a dead end. Sadly, I don't end up hanging out with every girl I meet for months, don't stick it in her anus on night one, and don't get a ZJ from her sister on day two.. but apparently neither does a certain someone else we know.
So we part ways. I estimate my friends will get here in about 30 minutes, so I walk around a bit and buy some suntan lotion.. can't risk turning from bronzed god to lobster man. Back at the hotel I try to get my laptop to connect to the wireless, but it won't work in the room. Apparently the signal from the single router can't penetrate from the lobby all the way through the thick ass walls to the third floor.. who would have thunk? I bring the pc down to the lobby to get a signal, and right then my friends walk through the door. They were supposed to call when close so I could make sure to be there.. I'm surrounded by dumbasses.
Boring parts: go up stairs, go get food, go to beach.
4pm, we're at the beach. The sun is still very high in the sky in Miami at 4pm and it's still maybe 90*. My weatherman tells me the uv index is a 5. My friends run down like idiots to the water immediately. I remember my first vacation too guys.. have fun. I plop down, glad to soak up some rays and stare at half naked, and 3/4 naked women at the beach. Between you and me, that's what sunglasses are for fellas.. remember that and think to yourself that no one suspects a thing. So I'm sitting there alone for maybe ten minutes when this group of three girls and one guy wander over about ten feet to the left of us and set up shop. All three girls are pretty cute. Two of them and the guy are clearly Hispanic. The third girl is plane jane whitey. So three of them leave right away to go down to the water, leaving Plane Jane behind. Maybe they saw my friends giggling and having so much fun, and just had to join in.
So, as coincidence would have it.. here I am alone again, ten feet from a lone, cute girlie
Five or so minutes pass during which I peek over a few times.. and notice in my peripheral view, her doing the same once or twice. After that, she gets up and walks over to me, and asks if I'll watch their stuff for 'just a minute.' I tell her jokingly that I don't know.. that iPod would buy me drinks for the night.. She laughs, says something I don't remember, and I agree to play lookout. She walks down to the water.. I stare at her ass. It was nice. I want to bite it. Her pink bikini bottom makes me think of cotton candy. I see her holla at her posse for a quick second, do some hand motions, and then walk back up. Does she know I'm looking at her? Of course not.. I'm wearing sunglasses Lolzz.. right. But I take off my glasses at she approaches, we make eye contact, and exchange smiles. She tells me thanks.. I say, well you weren't gone long enough for my plan to take action.. My bronzed physique must have impressed, as she was quite receptive. She responds, I'll let you know when I'll be gone longer.. take my friends stuff and we'll both buy drinks with it tonight. I'm just like.. oh shit. Having good luck today. We talk for maybe 45 seconds about the reason for our presence in south beach, etc. She and her friends are down from Orlando for the weekend, and they are actually staying in the same hotel as I. Just then my wet slobbering friends show up, so as not to distract myself from the ensuing tons-o-fun, I tell her well, I'm sure I'll see you around then. We converse very briefly with one another a couple times over the next hour and a half before our departure, but nothing worth mentioning. The rest of the day is not inspiring. We eat dinner at Johnny Rockets, which is in the building below Irene Marie models from the short lived MTV shit show Ocean Drive. They are both located in the building used for the notorious chain saw scene in Scarface. I'm honored to sit where you once walk, Manny. I dedicate this bacon cheese burger to you, Angel Martinez.
That night we just hung out on the strip. We kill a 750ml bottle of vodka, and half a 750ml bottle of tequila during the pregame session. We hang out at one of the many little restaurants on Ocean Drive for 2x1 drinks.. two huge ass mojitos later, we're all shitty. A nice, shiny Maserati pulls up right behind where we're sitting and a large familiar looking black man and his friend exit the car. It is Daunte Culpepper. At first I didn't recognize him because he wasn't throwing an interception. Apparently he was bored though, because he jumps ship after maybe 10 minutes. We decide to leave shortly thereafter as well, seeing as we're shit faced and it's like 2:30 am.. In my drunken wisdom, I decide to take a picture with the hot ass hostess who's magical chest I was staring at all night. I'll post it up later when I get the set from my buddy. I assume she thought I was creepy.. I care not.
*Loving of little vtec9 based on strict prior approval. Pre-approved application sent to c_unit and the girls in zdave's avatar. Check your inbox.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 2; Friday.
To be continued tomorrow.. trust a brotha, it gets juuuuust a bit more interesting
