Advice for northerners moving south (humor)
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From: Arlington, VA
Advice for northerners moving south (humor)
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
3. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
4. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you, either.
7. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that you will ever hear.
8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It
is just something you're supposed to do.
10. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed.
11. Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid
defense.
and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
3. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
4. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you, either.
7. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that you will ever hear.
8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It
is just something you're supposed to do.
10. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed.
11. Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid
defense.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 4,959
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From: Bedford
About thirty years-ago I had a wreck in Louisiana. A highway cop came up to my car, hung his belly over the window sill, and said, "You Texas boys don't drive too good, do you?"
It scared the beejesus out of me, and I'm Southern!
It scared the beejesus out of me, and I'm Southern!
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