Amazon.com turns profit and other financial news
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Amazon.com turns profit and other financial news
Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs
Seattle, Wash. (SatireWire.com) - Pigs flying over the
frozen landscape of hell reported that online retailer
Amazon.com turned in the first profit in its history
on Tuesday, just moments after the sun set in the
East.
"Amazon is proud to announce that in our fourth
quarter, we achieved a net profit of $5 million on
revenues of $1.1 billion," said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos,
as monkeys flew out of his butt.
Bezos cut short the press conference to join the
victory parade for the World Series champion Boston
Red Sox, which was winding its way through the eye of
a needle led by a camel.
----------
Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen
Chicago (SatireWire.com) - Ailing retail giant Kmart
today announced it would not have to declare
bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired
accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of
company finances whatsoever.
"Our previous accounting firm told us we lost $224
million in the fiscal third quarter, but Andersen has
informed us that, at least on paper, we didn't have a
fiscal third quarter," said CEO Charles Conaway. "What
a difference proper accounting makes."
Andersen executives did not return several messages. A
company attorney later explained his clients were only
allowed one phone call, and they had already made it.
Seattle, Wash. (SatireWire.com) - Pigs flying over the
frozen landscape of hell reported that online retailer
Amazon.com turned in the first profit in its history
on Tuesday, just moments after the sun set in the
East.
"Amazon is proud to announce that in our fourth
quarter, we achieved a net profit of $5 million on
revenues of $1.1 billion," said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos,
as monkeys flew out of his butt.
Bezos cut short the press conference to join the
victory parade for the World Series champion Boston
Red Sox, which was winding its way through the eye of
a needle led by a camel.
----------
Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen
Chicago (SatireWire.com) - Ailing retail giant Kmart
today announced it would not have to declare
bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired
accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of
company finances whatsoever.
"Our previous accounting firm told us we lost $224
million in the fiscal third quarter, but Andersen has
informed us that, at least on paper, we didn't have a
fiscal third quarter," said CEO Charles Conaway. "What
a difference proper accounting makes."
Andersen executives did not return several messages. A
company attorney later explained his clients were only
allowed one phone call, and they had already made it.
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Today, President George W. Bush, on behalf of the combined military forces of the United States of America, officially and unconditionally surrendered to Supreme Ruler Mohammad Omar of the mighty and victorious Taliban Army of Afghanistan.
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