> AMERICAN COURTS
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
> are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now
> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these
> exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
> your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
> you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
> remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
> to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
> old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
> was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was a bout medium height and had a
> beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
> you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
> the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy start ed around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
> why I was doing a autopsy on him!
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh?
>
__________________________________________________ ____
>
> AND THE WINNER GOES TO.......
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
> was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
> a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law.

Chris

 

Classic.

I love these things.

 

The last one is great, but they're all funny

 

this reminds me of some old "newlyweds" or "love connection" episode.

Bob (host): What is the stragegest place you've had sex?

Wife: (thinking)
Wife: up the butt bob!!!!

 

 

Here's another one from a cruise I was on recently. This was during the "Love and Marriage Show":

Cruise Director (CD): Alright sir, if you could describe your 52 years of marriage in ONE word; what would that word be?

75-year old man (Guy): YES!

CD: WOW! What an enthusiastic answer... your marriage must be fabulous! I gotta ask, what one word would you follow that up with?

Guy: *in a very monotone voice* dear. Yes dear.

I about died .