A Southern Hill-billy woman from Alabama drops into the Welfare office to claim a Single Mom's Benefit. The rather nervous social worker, noting the very trashy dress sense of the woman, gives her the application form to fill out.
A minute or two later she returns. So the social worker checks the form, pausing to notice that the woman claimed she had 13 children, but when she listed their names, she had only listed one name: Leroy.
So the Social Worker asked, "Why, mam" (This is Alabama after all!) "I see y'all claiming for 13 children, but you only have the name of one of 'im here."
"Why, all 13 are call' Leroy, sah." Replied the very trashy dressed woman.
The social worker was shocked "Well don't that beat all. When you call ' im, how do you tell 'im all 'part?"
The woman replies, "Why, I jus' use their last names, sah."

 

I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I turned to the owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?"
He said, "Looking for a match."
I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?"
He said, "I don't talk to strangers."

 

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

 

Four golfing buddies are commencing their Saturday game. As the first man begins, the other three are bragging on their progeny. The first golfer describes his successful son. "He started out as a carpenter, worked his way up and became a builder. He's made money hand over fist! He was so successful last year, in fact, that he gave a friend a house."
The second golfer replies. "Well, my son started out as a car salesman and did so well he ended up owning the dealership. Then he bought a second and a third and now he owns the largest string of dealerships in the Southeast. He's done so well he gave a friend a car!"
Golfer number three counters, "My son has worked his way up from the mailroom of a stockbroker to owning the agency. He made over a million dollars last year and gave a friend a pile of stocks and bonds worth thousands of dollars!"
As they joined the fourth golfer on the green, he asked what they'd been talking about. "Oh, our successful sons!" replied one. "By the way, how's your boy?"
"Well," he replied, "he's still a hairdresser, that's what he's done for 15 years now. I just found out he's a homosexual and that took a little adjustment. But he's my son and I love him. Besides, he's got three rich boyfriends; one gave him a house, one gave him a car, and one gave him a pile of stocks and bonds."

 

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.
An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."
"What'd he say?", asked the woman.
"He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes.", replied her husband.
"Where are you all headed?" asked the attendant.
"Oh, we're going to Jacksonville." he replied.
"What'd he say?" asked the woman.
"He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville." the husband replied.
"Where are ya

 

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"
The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"
The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like my horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.
The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him.
He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars.
He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry. "I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

 

There's this woman that had gained a few pounds.
She squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable, she asked her husband "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."

 

A guy goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, I've got a big problem. My wife thinks she's a lawnmower!" .
"How long has she been like this?", says the doctor.
"Three months", says the guy.
"Why didn't you come to me earlier?", says the doctor.
The guy says "Shit, I only got her back from the neighbour yesterday!"

 

True Story:
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.

 

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

A Females answer

The Perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving and that explains why there was a car accident.