Aviation Lore - Oldies but goodies
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,209
Likes: 0
From: Anchorage
Aviation Lore - Oldies but goodies
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we
entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they
did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."
"90 knots" Center replied.
"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost
instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests
ground speed readout.'
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground,
Dusty."
"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation
this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my
back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become
a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you
got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with
some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000
feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to
it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed
it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you
know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Center: Cessna 7319, are you a Skymaster?
Cessna 7319: No sir, I'm just a private pilot.
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we
entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they
did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."
"90 knots" Center replied.
"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost
instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests
ground speed readout.'
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground,
Dusty."
"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation
this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my
back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become
a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you
got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with
some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000
feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to
it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed
it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you
know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Center: Cessna 7319, are you a Skymaster?
Cessna 7319: No sir, I'm just a private pilot.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 800
Likes: 0
From: Fairfax Virginia
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
thats one of the only ones i got, rest i guess u have to know planes
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
thats one of the only ones i got, rest i guess u have to know planes
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 8,085
Likes: 0
From: 3rd bedroom on the right
These are supposed to be actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Excellent.
Trending Topics
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,209
Likes: 0
From: Anchorage
Some more from O'Hare:
For those who may not know, ORD is the airport code for Chicago's O'Hare field. It's a busy place, and home to some of the finest air traffic controllers in the world. These top 40 real transmissions were collected by, and are reprinted with the permission of NATCA at the old O'Hare TRACON.
"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."
"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."
"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."
"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."
"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."
"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend ... go ahead."
"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."
"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."
"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
"Don't anybody maintain anything.
"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."
"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."
"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."
"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."
"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."
"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"
"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"
"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"
(Response -"Rogah, switching!")
"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."
"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"
"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."
"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."
"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."
"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."
"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."
"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."
"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."
"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."
"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."
"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."
"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"
"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."
"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Unable."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."
"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."
"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."
And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:
"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."
For those who may not know, ORD is the airport code for Chicago's O'Hare field. It's a busy place, and home to some of the finest air traffic controllers in the world. These top 40 real transmissions were collected by, and are reprinted with the permission of NATCA at the old O'Hare TRACON.
"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."
"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."
"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."
"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."
"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."
"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend ... go ahead."
"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."
"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."
"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
"Don't anybody maintain anything.
"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."
"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."
"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."
"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."
"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."
"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"
"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"
"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"
(Response -"Rogah, switching!")
"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."
"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"
"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."
"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."
"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."
"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."
"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."
"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."
"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."
"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."
"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."
"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."
"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"
"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."
"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Unable."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."
"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."
"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."
And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:
"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,209
Likes: 0
From: Anchorage
Oh, and some more!:
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==========
Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!"
==========
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, Screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==========
Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!"
==========
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, Screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"