Aviation Lore - Oldies but goodies
Registered User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 4,543
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From: Vegas baby!!
Originally posted by ironwedge
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
==========
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
==========
lol!!
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
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From: St. Pete, Florida
Here are some actual humorous statements by several airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. This is for all you frequent
fliers or loved ones of frequent fliers... Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of
the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
As the plane stops at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. This is for all you frequent
fliers or loved ones of frequent fliers... Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of
the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
As the plane stops at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Airdale Wisdom
When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Ooh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a crash seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Also, some more Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it. : The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and
interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Hitting the ground at a high rate of vertical speed has been
scientifically shown to cause gravity poisoning. ("Gravity is a harsh mistress.")
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.
When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Ooh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a crash seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Also, some more Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it. : The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and
interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Hitting the ground at a high rate of vertical speed has been
scientifically shown to cause gravity poisoning. ("Gravity is a harsh mistress.")
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,592
Likes: 0
From: Yorba Linda, CA
A few weeks ago my wife and I flew from Ontario to Las Vegas. The flight attendant giving the safety instructions added a bit more humor than one normally hears:
"In case of cabin depressurization, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartments. Once you stop screaming, place the mask over your mouth and nose, adjust the straps and breathe normally. If you're flying with young children--or people who behave like young children--put on your mask first, then help them with theirs."
"In case of cabin depressurization, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartments. Once you stop screaming, place the mask over your mouth and nose, adjust the straps and breathe normally. If you're flying with young children--or people who behave like young children--put on your mask first, then help them with theirs."
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,360
Likes: 0
Before taking off on a flight to Florida last year, the crew was giving the pre-takeoff safety instructions and said.
"If you have more than one child, now is a good time to pick your favorite, because if we experience cabin depressurization, you will only have time to put the mask on one of them."
"If you have more than one child, now is a good time to pick your favorite, because if we experience cabin depressurization, you will only have time to put the mask on one of them."
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,592
Likes: 0
From: Yorba Linda, CA
For Christmas my wife is getting me a coffee table: oak frame, glass top with a picture of wild horses etched in the glass. Really cool!
To put on top of the table she's getting me a copy of the 2003 edition of Sled Driver.
Limited edition: only 3,500 copies printed.
Signed by the author, Brian Shul.
Also signed by Robert Gilliland, the first SR-71 pilot.
Also signed by Ed Yeilding, who set the SR-71 speed record.
Also signed by Walt Watson, Brian Shul's backseater.
$427.
(Like in 427 Cobra. A coincidence? I think not!)
This is too cool!
To put on top of the table she's getting me a copy of the 2003 edition of Sled Driver.
Limited edition: only 3,500 copies printed.
Signed by the author, Brian Shul.
Also signed by Robert Gilliland, the first SR-71 pilot.
Also signed by Ed Yeilding, who set the SR-71 speed record.
Also signed by Walt Watson, Brian Shul's backseater.
$427.
(Like in 427 Cobra. A coincidence? I think not!)
This is too cool!