A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry,
we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says
to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost
my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to
the other and says "dam"
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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man
the guns, you drive"
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

aahahahahahaha

 

 

good ones. Have to remember some of them.

 

Taken separately, they're pretty bad.

But as a whole, they're pretty good!

 

 

A little kid says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy's belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddy's belly." So the kid says, "I don't know why, the neighbor lady's just gonna blow him up again tomorrow."



A lawyer and a Doctor watch a pretty girl walk by. The Doctor says "Boy I'd like to screw her." And the lawyer says, "Out of what?"



A little girl says to her mother, "Mommy I saw you and Daddy in the bedroom today." And the mother says, "Oh honey, that's how you get babies." The little girl replies, "But Mommy, you had Daddy's pee-pee in your mouth." And the mother says, "Oh honey, that's how you get jewelry."

 

An Engineer goes to a hooker and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "Ah, come on, I'll give you ten bucks." She says, "No way." The next week the hooker sees the same guy walking with his wife. She says to him, "See what you get for ten bucks?"



Two guys are golfing, and two women are playing in front of them, going really slow. So, finally, one guy suggests, "Why don't you drive up there and ask them if we can play through?" The other guy starts to drive off toward the ladies, and all of a sudden he turns around and comes back and says, "You won't believe it! My wife is up there and she's playing golf with my mistress." The other guy says, "Wow. Oh well, I'll drive up and ask." He drives up about half way, and then he turns around and comes back. "Small world, isn't it?"

 

Four guys are playing golf when a funeral goes by. A guy is about to tee-off, but he stops swinging, takes his hat off, and waits until the funeral procession goes by. The others say, "Gee, that was really nice of you." He replies, "Well, after 25 years of being married to her, it was the least I could do."



A guy is stranded on a desert island. Suddenly, a beautiful girl walks out of the ocean wearing a wetsuit. She unzips a pocket and pulls out a package of cigarettes. She hands them to the guy and says, "Do you want these?" He says, "I sure do." He lights one up. She opens up another zipper and pulls out an ice-cold beer. "Do you want this?" He says, "I sure do." He opens up the beer and starts drinking. She starts unzipping her wet suit and says, "Now, for what you really want!" He says, "You got golf clubs in there?"

 

Am I out of control here

A Great Dane and a Chihuahua are at the vet. The Dane says "What are you here for?" The Chihuahua replies, "Oh, I bit the mailman, so my owner's having me put to sleep." "Bummer." Then the chihuahua says, "What are you here for?" And the Great Dane replies "Well I saw my owner bending over with just a towel on and I couldn't control myself so I jumped up and had my way with her." The Chihuahua says, "Oh my God! No wonder she's having you put to sleep." And the Dane says, "Oh no, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."






A guy is going bear hunting in the woods. Suddenly, he sees a big bear, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the place. There's no bear there. He feels a big tapping on his shoulder. He turns around and it's the bear. The bear says, "I'm going to rip you to shreds or you can b*** me." The guy thinks, "Oh my God." And he b***s the bear. A week later he comes back thinking, "I'm going to get revenge on that damn bear." He sees the bear in the woods, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the spot. The bear's gone. He feels the tapping on his shoulder. He turns around and the bear says, "You know the deal, you either b*** me or I'll kill you." The guy b***s the bear. A week later the guy comes back thinking, "I'm going to kill that damn bear if it's the last thing that I do." He sees the bear, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the spot." The bear's gone. Suddenly, he feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around. The bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"