To: All Concerned

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky,
Louisiana, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and
Virginia on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population
of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee! Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6 As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

 

Point 8: rofl

 

Santa Is Quitting !!!

T'was the night before Christmas-----Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down the list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"....what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money....The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed Mrs. C
Donner is pregnant and Vixen can't pee.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes....if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
If they want to collect from someone who owes
Then to Jesse Jackson they should go!!

And the kids these days....they all are the pits
They want the impossible....Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls.... Their arms, legs, and heads.

I've made cars, trains, tinker toys and such
But requests for them don't amount to much.
I made a ton of yoyo's....NO request for them,
They want computers and software...I'm not IBM!!

Flying through the air....dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees,
I'm quitting this job of ungrateful employment
Finding a past time with much more enjoyment.

There's no Christmas this year....
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!