-Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet? And also, you're drunk.

-Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts.

-Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!

-If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

-If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

-The first time I ever saw the ocean, I was real disappointed. "That's the ocean?!" I said. No, said Mom and Dad, that's just the parking lot. When we pulled into the lot, I was real disappointed in it. It was hard to find a spot, and the spaces seemed way too narrow, in my book. The ocean was okay, I guess, but I still can't get over how disappointing that parking lot was.

-With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.

-Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

-If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

 

-I used to think Mom's biscuits were special, because she said she put a secret ingredient in them. Years later I asked her what the secret ingredient was, and she said it was "love." Right then I felt like the biggest sucker in the world.

-When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns

-I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

-In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.

-Life is a constant battle between the heart and the brain. But guess who wins. The skeleton.

-One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a "surprise vacation." We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop. I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?

-When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

-It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

-How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

 

I used to be a fan of the SNL too. When Adam S was still there...

 

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look
into the glass and think about the workers in the
brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I
didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry
about my liver."

 

Too funny!!! Gotta love "Deep Thoughts" !!!!!

 

Deep Thoughts

 

great thread! here are some of my favorites:

-One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

-At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f*ck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

-Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

-Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

-I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 

-Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

-If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

-As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

-Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

-If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

-Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

 

Hilarious!

 

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey