Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
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Registered User
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,167
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From: Shawnee KS USA
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless...,
and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet...,
the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer...,
and be sure to tell your Mom!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless...,
and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet...,
the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer...,
and be sure to tell your Mom!
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers in is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all Female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers in is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all Female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
FIVE REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE MALE:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 210
Likes: 0
From: Sacramento
One of my favorites:
Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife
1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0
but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Jonathan Powell
Dear Jonathan Powell-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed to run everything!
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife
1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or
floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy
valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.x in the
background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects
Girlfriend 1.x and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-
recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar
products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have
become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and
just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset
button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as
you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is
very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
-Tech Support
Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife
1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0
but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Jonathan Powell
Dear Jonathan Powell-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed to run everything!
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife
1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or
floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy
valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.x in the
background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects
Girlfriend 1.x and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-
recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar
products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have
become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and
just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset
button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as
you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is
very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
-Tech Support
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Subject: Tech Support
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
---------------------------
Tech Support: "OK, Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
-------------------------------
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat,
please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
-----------------------------------
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.
--------------------------------
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
-------------------------------
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
------------------------------
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
--------------------------------------
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
----------------------------------
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager
icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons I'm
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to -"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Why we should feel sorry for tech support people.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
---------------------------
Tech Support: "OK, Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
-------------------------------
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat,
please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
-----------------------------------
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.
--------------------------------
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
-------------------------------
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
------------------------------
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
--------------------------------------
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
----------------------------------
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager
icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons I'm
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to -"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 182
Likes: 0
From: Hampstead NC
This is supposed to be a true story from a Tech Support Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care department.
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out.
"How can I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out.
"How can I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It
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