Florida Still Rules!
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From: St. Pete, Florida
HEY, U.S.: FLORIDA STILL RULES!
by Kevin Walker
Tampa Tribune
Dear United States residents living outside of Florida,
That's it, I've had it.
I've suffered through thousands of Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jon Stewart jokes. I've received letters and telephone calls from out-of-state relatives poking fun at the Sunshine State's prominent position in this election debacle. My personal favorite was short and simple: ``Flori-duh.''
Very funny.
But it's time for someone to step up to the plate for this besieged state. I will attempt to do so in this short space. Here are a few points in Florida's defense, as well as some facts that still make Florida a better place to live than most other U.S. locales.
-- I believe you are in denial about a very simple fact: We are merely YOU in microcosm. This is the closest election in modern U.S. history. Don't blame Floridians because the two major political parties produced candidates that elicited such overwhelming apathy and indifference. It was like trying to decide whether to watch ``Battlefield Earth'' or ``Plan 9 From Outer Space.''
-- It's not Floridians filing all the lawsuits in this fiasco. Last I checked, George Bush was from Texas and Al Gore was from Washington, D.C. (oops, I mean Tennessee).
-- All right, already, so some elderly voters in Palm Beach were confused over the butterfly ballots. These poor people have suffered enough for admitting their mistake. Besides, Florida deserves praise, not criticism, for taking them in down here, Mr. and Miss Smarty Pants. Because if we didn't, they'd be back in their home state, i.e., living with you.
-- You folks talk melting pot, but we live it. Yankees, Southerners, Midwesterners, Cubans, Asians, blacks, Europeans, WASPs, Jews, old, young, country folk, yuppies - and that's just the people in my office.
-- Sipping a fine rum while watching the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico is not the same as sipping a ``Ye Olde Key West Rum Punch'' on the patio of a bar anywhere north of Interstate 10.
-- OK, so, our punch-card voting machines are antiquated. But our topless car washes work perfectly.
-- Have you looked at the college football polls lately?
-- Finally, if you find Florida so objectionable, by all means feel free to stop moving down here.
So, there. After all, what's your problem with a controversial election? We have one, like, every other month and we're not crying about it. Stop your whining or we will be forced to close our borders.
And enjoy your winter. Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
Sincerely,
A Happy Florida Resident
by Kevin Walker
Tampa Tribune
Dear United States residents living outside of Florida,
That's it, I've had it.
I've suffered through thousands of Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jon Stewart jokes. I've received letters and telephone calls from out-of-state relatives poking fun at the Sunshine State's prominent position in this election debacle. My personal favorite was short and simple: ``Flori-duh.''
Very funny.
But it's time for someone to step up to the plate for this besieged state. I will attempt to do so in this short space. Here are a few points in Florida's defense, as well as some facts that still make Florida a better place to live than most other U.S. locales.
-- I believe you are in denial about a very simple fact: We are merely YOU in microcosm. This is the closest election in modern U.S. history. Don't blame Floridians because the two major political parties produced candidates that elicited such overwhelming apathy and indifference. It was like trying to decide whether to watch ``Battlefield Earth'' or ``Plan 9 From Outer Space.''
-- It's not Floridians filing all the lawsuits in this fiasco. Last I checked, George Bush was from Texas and Al Gore was from Washington, D.C. (oops, I mean Tennessee).
-- All right, already, so some elderly voters in Palm Beach were confused over the butterfly ballots. These poor people have suffered enough for admitting their mistake. Besides, Florida deserves praise, not criticism, for taking them in down here, Mr. and Miss Smarty Pants. Because if we didn't, they'd be back in their home state, i.e., living with you.
-- You folks talk melting pot, but we live it. Yankees, Southerners, Midwesterners, Cubans, Asians, blacks, Europeans, WASPs, Jews, old, young, country folk, yuppies - and that's just the people in my office.
-- Sipping a fine rum while watching the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico is not the same as sipping a ``Ye Olde Key West Rum Punch'' on the patio of a bar anywhere north of Interstate 10.
-- OK, so, our punch-card voting machines are antiquated. But our topless car washes work perfectly.
-- Have you looked at the college football polls lately?
-- Finally, if you find Florida so objectionable, by all means feel free to stop moving down here.
So, there. After all, what's your problem with a controversial election? We have one, like, every other month and we're not crying about it. Stop your whining or we will be forced to close our borders.
And enjoy your winter. Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
Sincerely,
A Happy Florida Resident
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Joined: Oct 2000
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From: USR, NJ
Dear Florida Resident,
Thank you for housing the melting pot, especially the elderly part.
I'm sure they chose Florida because the state was perfect for the old fart.
The state is all about shirking...I mean relaxing. That's just perfect for the type of people down there.
Yeah, we looked at the latest football poll, and notice a few schools in florida trying very hard to make it to the top by playing high school quality teams.
Sure, they messed up the butterfly ballots, but it ain't their fault. They were expected to follow the local tradition by screwing up.
I think next time we should just skip the state ... and ignore you all!
A non-florida resident
Thank you for housing the melting pot, especially the elderly part.
I'm sure they chose Florida because the state was perfect for the old fart.
The state is all about shirking...I mean relaxing. That's just perfect for the type of people down there.
Yeah, we looked at the latest football poll, and notice a few schools in florida trying very hard to make it to the top by playing high school quality teams.
Sure, they messed up the butterfly ballots, but it ain't their fault. They were expected to follow the local tradition by screwing up.
I think next time we should just skip the state ... and ignore you all!
A non-florida resident
L
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