Probably not the best idea to post this on here, but frankly I've always been really introverted and don't exactly have a lot of people to talk to about this. More than anything I guess I just need to talk about this to digest it and make a reality out of it.

We actually had an open relationship for awhile, but we had several very specific rules and reservations about how this operated. She broke all of these tonight when she slept with an ex-coworker and close friend of hers. I had a bad feeling about her going to see him in the first place, and sure enough I was proven right. I always rather disliked this guy, and this was the first time she had seen him in person in over a year (although they talked on FB very often).

In some ways I feel as if I never really gave her as much appreciation as I should have, but that does not at all excuse what she did. I think I've always been a bit too proud and too scared to tell her just how much she really meant about me; Every other person I've ever gotten close to has ended up either massively disappointing me or backstabbing me in some way or another.

What bothers me most is when she finally arrived home 5 hours later than was expected and I asked her about what happened, she didn't seem to care in the slightest. She's normally the type to become over-emotional over very simple things, so this threw me off more than anything. I'm assuming she had some long talk with this guy and now feels more secure about her future with him, because otherwise she likely would not have had this response.

I'm sure I can move on from this, but I'm not looking forward to the process. It's very hard for me to really connect or care about other people, and she was literally one of the only people I actually wanted to be near. I feel like every day I need to expect less and trust less out of other people, and every freaking day it's just proven to me again.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I'll get there eventually.

 

First off, you must not contact her or receive contact from her for 30 days at the least. If she says hi in person as she passes, say hi and move on. For the next 30 days, look at yourself, either you love yourself fully or u need to work on that. Continue to work on what makes u happy. Don't be too mad an open relationship leads to outcomes like this. Give yourself 30 days. You must

 

Well, my savings account is about to have a train run through it as I finish my FI build. It'll be nice to finish something that I can be proud of, and it'll keep my hands busy.

Thanks man.

 

it's kind'a understandable.. I do mom care, have no outside friends.. this site is one of my few interests.. not everyone's an extrovert.. situations have forced me to seek help and when there is no one to talk with, sometimes a simple place like this can help..

you seem to understand your gf situation real well.. don't sound confused.. upset I see, but I'm not certain your upset so much with her as you may be in yourself.. why.. it's an open relationship, and maybe she's looking as well for that long term guy.. you do not seem to say your looking for that long term girl.. nor have you indicated that you made long term girl commitments... so.. yep.. 30 days.. better yet, go find almost any someone who catches your eye and just change your day with a hello and see where that takes ya... might end up meeting that long term girl you never knew you were looking for... spend that 30 days, getting to know someone new...

 

Open relationships are usually bad news...someone always gets hurt. I would insist with the next girl you dont promote this sort of behavior.

 

It had actually been going fantastically for well over a year. We talked about this in an obscene amount of depth before we actually started doing it, so there were no surprises or anything unexpected along the way.

Problem is she just broke every single rule we ever made last night, even after I told her how I felt about this guy too.

Oh well. Life goes on.

 

Yep...it usually seems like it's going well until it doesn't. Open relationships are not designed to be long term, they are designed for fun and an easy out if one or both parties wish to end the relationship. Our hearts aren't designed to share such intimate things with others. Can I ask what your exact arrangement was?

 

Yep...it usually seems like it's going well until it doesn't. Open relationships are not designed to be long term, they are designed for fun and an easy out if one or both parties wish to end the relationship. Our hearts aren't designed to share such intimate things with others. Can I ask what your exact arrangement was?
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We only acted on it if we both had prior knowledge to what was happening, had no emotional attachments (which is why I already had reservations about her going over there), and then obvious rules regarding safety and the like. We also normally waited until we both had someone else to see, as opposed to one of us running off alone.

We started it because I was her second boyfriend, and she was my first girlfriend, so both of our experience ranges were pretty limited. After about 2 years we decided to open up just to explore some other people, but (at least at the time) we had no desire to actually break up with one another.

We had also been backing more and more away from this type of relationship, with lower and lower frequency in which we acted on it. Last night more or less blindsided me. I had a bad feeling about it, but at the same time I couldn't really see her actually doing it.

 

I find it hard to reconcile "explore other people" and "no desire to break up." I guess now that I'm in my 30s, married, and thinking with the big head and not the small one anymore I have come to value commitment and dedication in a monogamous relationship. When I was younger (as I assume you are) and in my late teens and early twenties I had a good number of short time girlfriends, but at no time did I ever want to have an open relationship. For one, I don't want someone banging my girlfriend. Two, it's not fair for me to be sharing an intimate thing like sex with someone other than the person I am suppose to be dating. Three, it opens up a greater potential for one person to spread STDs with the other. Four, it would jeopardize trust, and if there's no trust then the relationship is in serious trouble. Five, and maybe the most important, respect is lost. It's because of a lack of respect that set rules are broken in a relationship. It is YOUR job to both respect your partner and require that they also respect you.

If you're not in a serious relationship and just dating around I assume that an open relationship is ok, but it sounds like you both really cared for each other, but permissive and open sexual rules in the relationship really did you in. Once you open that door to allow her go have sex with other people it basically says "I don't respect you and you shouldn't respect me either" and it's damn near impossible to shut that door once it's opened. Plus, she could have sex with someone that is better than you in bed...and then what?! I kid...well sorta.

I'm not trying to criticize your beliefs or whatever, but just trying to give you some experienced and first-hand advice.

 

At least now you know whether next time you'll want an open end r long term relationship when you find another chick. Time heals all and GL