Read something hilarious on craigslist.org? Share the love or hate here so that others might enjoy...



Rules for living in the apartment above me.

Date: 2005-12-07, 2:41AM EST


Thanks to the "Bonus Gravity" provided by my landlords, whoever moves in above me will weigh approximately nine times their normal weight. To remind me that you got the "Bonus Gravity" deal, please make sure to stomp your huge, ham-filled feet every step you take. If I cannot track your current location to within a centimeter, you aren't doing your job.

When not watching television, you should take it off the TV stand and face it, screen down, at the floor. Make sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible. If I cannot hear what lesson Kimmy Gibbler learned today on "Full House", I will petition for your eviction.

The best time for your idiot friends to come over is between 2:00 and 8:00 am or whenever I'm sleeping. Once you see my lights turn off, make sure your crazy pal Eddie is on his way over with that DVD of "The World's Largest Explosions - Caught on Film!"

All of your phones must have their ringer hooked up to a bass guitar amplifier. This way, when your phone rings for the 10,000th consecutive time without you picking it up, I will realize you must've accidentally tripped over and broke your 1500-pound skull on the coffee table and I should probably alert the proper authorities.

When shutting doors, pretend the Grim Reaper himself is chasing you throughout your house. Slam them as hard as possible to prevent him from sneaking into your place causing the hundreds of filthy plants you own to die.

Taking a shower at 3:00 am is perfectly acceptable. Since my apartment is lined with hundreds of different pipes which carry water to approximately 17 different countries, make sure to urge your friends to take showers at the same time.

Every day at 8:00 pm, you should drop something large and heavy such as:
-A refrigerator
-A wheelbarrow full of lead and concrete
-A month's collection of all the Slim Jims and yahoo you consume
-The entire world

If you don't have access to any of those items, then just trip and fall over. Try to at least be holding some cinder blocks while doing so.

When speaking to a friend who has come over to visit and toss bowling balls around your apartment, make sure to use a megaphone whenever laughing at something he says. This way I'll know your friend is a very funny and witty man (who cannot catch bowling balls).

The "bass" knob on your stereo stands for "Better Acoustic Sounding Songs" and should be cranked up as loud as possible to reflect quality. Try to listen only to rap, techno, and anything which features a kick drum the size of a delivery van. If the song has lyrics, you should turn the bass up so high that it sounds like the the singer is repeatedly chanting, "mwog bbblrrgm gwaf."

Don't ever leave your apartment. Ever. Ypsilanti air is known for its trace amounts of cyanide floating around in it, so it's safer for you to simply hibernate in there for the next nine years.

Much like in exciting video games, hitting surrounding objects with a hammer may reveal magic prizes hidden inside. Smack everything you can find with a hammer or large wooden board. Then smack the wooden board with a hammer because, who knows, it might be a trick.

When the power in the entire block goes out at 10:00 PM and you notice everybody else's lights are off, be sure to shout, "DID THE POWER GO OFF?!?" out your window. There could be a family a few miles away that still has power, in which case you could go over to their house and borrow a cup of electricity so you may operate the jackhammer you've got going in your kitchen.

 

To the hottie cop who doused me with pepper spray - m4w

Date: 2005-11-16, 3:20PM CST


I know we got off on the wrong foot, what with my drunken disorderly behavior and my suggestion that as a taxpayer I'm entitled to ask you for a hummer, but I felt like we shared a moment. From what I could see before you squirted pepper spray into my eyes and judo chopped me in the larnyx, your nipples were totally hard. Sure, that could just be a gal enjoying her job, but I think you and I had a connection.

And don't tell me that GI Joe kung-fu grip on my testicles was all business. There was some caressing going on, or at least it felt that way before you crushed them purple. But don't worry, the ER doc assures me at least one of them will continue to produce sperm, which means you and I can have lots of little state troopers together.

So let's not let your job and my occasional lawbreaking ruin a good thing, sweetie. Put down that doughnut and shoot me an email. I know you're not supposed to fraternize with types like me, but I can't lie, a hot chick with a gun and handcuffs gives me a rock-hard boner. And you had your hands down there -- you know this ain't a misdemeanor I'm packing, if you know what I'm saying.

Write back soon, lover. Don't make me break the law again just to see you.

 

 

OK at least this one's car-related. Disgusting but funny:

needing a poo whilst driving?

Date: 2005-12-17, 11:34PM EST


the most unfortunate thing for me , living otp and especially in cherokee county are the lack of shops open late, especially if one needs a really big poo, well a hot spicy poo after eating jalpenos earlier in the day.

well i went to work, downtown so i normally have to leave at 6am, wake at 530, but i get constipationm in the morning so i didnt poo. at work had a cup of tea, brekkie, still no poo?

lucnhtime came around adn i had jalapenos, and salad. hot!!

well did my work, hadnt had a poo and met my wife, had hot, spicy soup and some thai dish and lots of jasmine tea and water.

then as soo as i sat in my car, the familiar bowel movement, shaking and tingly skin from a really hot dose of spices. damn i had to drive from roswell to alpharetta kroger with extreme turtles head, sweating and if i had farted then i would have filled my pants.

i literally ran into kroger clutching my arse and pulling off my pants it spurted out, probably the most satisfying poo in my life, the first bit that came out was hard, like a plug, then it all came out like water from a firehose. ****ing hell it was wonderful.

cleaning myself up i went back to my car. ignition, started to drive, oh hell, the same tingly feeling, stomach squealching, "but i just had my poo?" i said to myself. **** it i can make it home. driving as ffast as i could up hwy140 i got the sweats, and i need ed to poo right there, it was dark and the more i thought about stopping in a street adn shitting the more it kept almost sqelching out. so to make some room i decided to fart, but "oh **** please no" a steady stream came out. so here i was speeding up hwy 140 and quite literally shitting my pants. so each time i farted it kept coming out and there was no where to stop. by the time i got home i had filled up my underwear and shit had splattered all up my back from the pressure of sitting. in the garage i stripped naked, fearful that my wife would open the door and see her naked husband, in the garage covered in shit. well she had locked the ****ing door! i had no door key only teh garage door clicker, so i had to wipe off the shit and put my trousers back on, i stank. luckily her sister had come over earlier and left the ****ing door unlocked, thanks couldve been burguled but at least it was lucky for me.

anyway my wife was in the bath and i had to shower downstaris. she never found out.

i had to clean my car seat.

 

It sounds like the same author to all of them though. Insanely funny though.

 

Ahhh Craigslist

 

Still trying to sell this piece of crap

Date: 2006-04-01, 2:01AM CST


Now here's a winner that generated a lot of attention, but sat in my back yard for yet another week due to everybody who emailed me being a part of the shadow conspiracy designed to not come by the house and take the bike away.

It's really not that much of a piece of crap. In fact, at thirty dollars, it's the best bike on this site. You can't hardly get a seat post for thirty dollars on CL, cause they're all made out of magic and will turn your fixed gear into a weightless rocket sled that gives head and has cruise control.

But now you can. It's yours for exactly thirty dollars if you come get it THIS SATURDAY. Or any other day, really, but I'd like to emphasize Saturday cause I'll be around most of the day. You don't need to email me to ask where I live, if I still have it, or if you can come look at it some time next week cause you work all the time. Just start your car and email me your phone number so I can tell you how you can be the owner of the finest piece of crap for thirty bucks on Craigs list. Go look. It's also the ONLY bike for thirty bucks on CL. So that's your lucky number. Otherwise, good luck on the seatpost.

Besides, you'll save heaps of bus fare by riding this pile. It's an old Magna, which easily translates into "peice of crap" to most biker people with fancy socks, but to you, it's wheels.

The grip shifters work flawlessly, the brakes are good, the whole bike's pretty solid. The seat's looked better, the pedals are different, the back tire is from some other bike that a woman left in my yard one day after she got frustrated and abandoned it on her way home. From what I hear, she pushed it out of the moving car as she sped off away from the park down the street. But that's just the rear wheel in this scenario (Magnadrive). Not the whole Magna.

But damned if the whole bike doesn't kick ass. It even manages to look half decent. I might even take less than thirty dollars for it if you can make up a good enough story or convince me that you're poorer than I am. Good luck with that, though. I'd trade the thing for the right bag of groceries, honestly, cause that's where the money's going anyway.

Thanks.

 

Good God this one made my eyes water! (No pun intended.)



RANT: A Letter to the Only Working Toilet

Date: 2006-03-14, 2:53PM PST


Dear only working toilet in women

 

I think I need to visit the craiglist more often.

 

That 1st one had me in tears. I have lived through it before.