Ive posted this on several forums, as i would like to get my message passed on...

Hey guys......alot has happened to me....just thought i would share...

I am 19, and she was 18, turning 19 on January 8th 2008.

First of all, i would like to say that I have been going out with the most wonderful person ever, my girlfriend, best friend, confidante, soulmate, my Anne(thats her name btw ) for 4 years....AAbout 5 months ago, rite before my birthday, she started to have sudden trances, where her mind would not be present, she would faint, scream, cry, bang herself on the walls...This was the most frightening thing for me. The one girl who i loved so much, was being someone else, and it scrared the living **** outa me! Anyways, she was in the hospital for a few weeks and many tests and scans took place to figure out what was happening. The doc's came to the conlculsion that she had Epilipsy...It was an extremely depressing time for me, all summer....No mattter how much medicatin, it is hard to lead a normal life with Epilipsby cuz you odnt know when you are going to have a seizure, and how severe it may be........

Forward 3 months, and in the months of July and August, the news got worse. The doctors were runing more tests, and found out that Onaiza infact had a brain tumor. This brain tumor was hindering her from functioning properly, and thats why it was misdiagnosed. In addition, she had cancerous cells in several parts of her body. The docs said it was a rare medical condition, where teh body is unable to fight off certain diseaseas, and etc...Unfortunately, they are saying its too late to do anything drastic, and being that the location of the tumor is in such a sensitive area, surgery is too risky. She was given medications, classes and such on how to DEAL with her condition.

It turns out that the doc said she really didnt have long, 3-6 months at max. Being that she is my gf, and she means more to me than the world, this news devastated me. I really had hopes of marriage, a healthy relationship and kids, and above all, a happy life with my angel. For so long, i fed off her happiness, and she fed off mine, but now times were getting tough. The anxiety that she expeerienced made its way to me, and we were both in a horrible state (of course families are included in the whole picture....but im focusing on me and her). As a couple, we were VERY serious about our relationship, our future, but now it all came crashing down. I went through some serious depression ever since the end of july.

Without going into much detail, ill just say that the doctors mis-estimated her condition, she fell extremely ill...The tumor effected the functioning of her speaking, and memory.....i dont even know how i made it through those times.....i stayed with her in the hostpital, every day since july 21st till October 25th...That was the last day that i would ever hear her breathe, look into her eyes, and just LIVE. On october 25th 2007 at 4:10PM, she showed her last bit of vital signs. Her family couldnt bare the thought of onaiza dealing with so much pain, and living a life we knew she would rather not live. We pulled the plug on her, it was the best thing in their eyes, and i agree.

She was the love of my life, she made me happy...I went to bed happy knwing i would tlak to her for hours before we fell asleep on the phone, and i woke up every morning grateful that i would be able to call her and wake her up....Her passing is the worst thing that has ever happeening to me...i dont know what to say, all i have done for the past 4 or 5 days is lay at home, locked up, crying....This is the type of things i saw in movies and never thought would happen to me, but it has....

I just thot that i should share what has happened to me...i dont think i can ever go back to leading a normal life at this point. I really have nobody to talk to anymore, and sharing my story (altho it enticed many tears) really helps......

I wish i could put into words how i feel, but i cant. I just want you all to realize that life is too short and unexpected. I know EVERYONE has heard this **** over and over again, but i really mean it. I dont know if life is worth living rite now....When you argue with your parents, dont let things settle, sort them out. When you fight with your loved one, dont let things just go, sort them out, let them know you are loved. Thats the one thing im grateful for: i was able to tell her i loved her hundreds of times before she went to a better place....take care everyone, and if u read this far, i hope it makes a differencce in your life before its too late............and kanye west says it right, "people usually dont get the roses untill its too late"......

Im not posting for guidance or anything, just want to pass on the message....im not sure if all my explanations of the medical situation are correct, im dont know my stuff, its just what was told to me by her family as the months passed

 

Thank you for posting.


I'm kind of at a loss for words, except the want to initially express my sadness for your loss. Perhaps what is hitting home right now for me is the the thought of my grandmother's best friend (grandma died in November 2007) who was just diagnosed with cancer. Her spirit is incredible right now, as it has been throughout her life, as I hope it was with Anne.

I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure what to say right now, but I want to acknowledge the place you're in. I'm fairly young so I am still in that "immortal" place where I'm sure nothing bad will happen ever. I know it's ridiculous but stories like this hit home for me, and make me consider the traditions of religion. How could these sort of things happen with someone watching over? Who would let someone be taken from us so far earlier than when they should?

The "scary clock" thread made me think of what was happening the world wrapped around us. I'm just glad that Anne didn't spend decades feeling pain, and the shame and pain that many feel for having put their families through a transition that is so far beyond their control.

I just don't know what to say. Im sorry

 

Man i had a hard time not too cry while reading this, this is just awfull and shouldn't happen to anyone but she being so young and taken away so soon that is just not acceptable.

Glad that you could be with her on her travel to the next place. I'm sure she will watch over you in times you arent feeling strong.

Don't do anything stupid or something, i think anne would want that you have a happy life after all.

You're absolutely right with the phrase from Kayne west, usually we know what we miss after we have already lost it, and it's too late.


Take care man!

 

Don't take this the wrong way.....

"It's better to have loved and to have lost, than to have never loved at all"

Hang in there......

 

I'm sorry to hear of what happened. My prayers go out to you and just remember, time will heal all things.

 

i'm very sorry for your loss.
keep the memories that you have with her close to your heart.
and knowing how it's like to lose someone close, time does in fact heal most wounds.

 

Hang in there! Live because that is what she would love for you to do.

Just remember the good times, do not remember the end. This way she will always live in you. It will take time to heal but be strong and live for her.

 

I am very sorry for your loss. Don't be down. You have to live life to the fullest as a tribute to her and your memories of her when she was well.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, u are brave for making it this far I don't think I would be able to live myself if that happened. Its going to hurt for a long time but you will move on with your life as we all must in a loss.

 

thanks for the kind words guys...im trying my best to stay strong, but not a day, not even an hour seems to go by quck enough for me right now. Its been several months, but every day is brutal...

Anyways, the funeral service...it was VERY hard...very emotional.
My parents were not present at the funeral, as mentioned, they did not approve of anything. Unfortunately i have been dealing with my loss on my own, but with a little help from my friends, who were her close friends aswell..anyways, her mother asked me to speak at the funeral for a little bit, as her english isnt very good, and neither is her husbands. I was VERY hard for me to go up there in front of so many people and pour my heart out. I thought long and hard of what to say at the funeral, and i finally decided to just recite two poems. Here they are:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

.
--------

It was very hard for me to keep myself from breaking down, but i was unable to do so. Several times throughout my reciting, i sobbed, unable to speak... i then gave way to her family, so that i could recite another, finishing poem.


Realizing my innermost fears,
Choking back the steady stream of tears.
Not knowing your time had come,
Without you I feel so numb.

Just a whisper in the breeze,
Brought my world down to its knees.
The day that you were called away,
Paradise is where you now stay.

When the days do come to pass,
I'll call upon your bed of grass.
Comfort inside knowing you're there,
Looking up at my vacant stare.

The silence I exchange with thee,
Speaks volumes, I'm sure this you'll see.
My shadow it casts across your grave,
While I stand so lonely, I stand so brave.

Now the days they seem so long,
In my arms is where you belong.
I close my eyes and hear you speak,
You call my name, my legs grow weak.

Together we promised that we would grow old,
We thought our happiness would never unfold.
I'll kneel at your feet with my head hung low,
Thoughts in my mind, which you already know.

This quality time with you I spend,
Will hopefully help my broken heart mend.
Feeling guilty when I turn to leave,
Returning home, I continue to grieve.

When my term approaches death,
Time to exhale one final breath.
I wonder if others will fall to their knees,
When my name whispers in the breeze...