Just a reminder that prenups are always a good idea

 

It's not for me, and I'd personally avoid a guy that had those kind of values.

When my bf and I first fell in love...I forget when the idea of marriage came up, but it was quickly. I didn't want to be something that someone tried for awhile and then decided OK, yeah, I'm a keeper.

I knew my bf felt the same way when he told me "Only walk thorugh that door if you are sure you will not turn back." meaning that if he proposes, to only say yes if I know without a doubt that I am committed not just to him but to the marriage.

When he did propose, and I did accept, it seemed to change both of us. It bonded us in a way that I wasn't expecting. And now that we are deciding on where to live when we get married, it seems like the bonds are growing deeper...even though we just decided eventually that I'd move in to his place. We're deciding on our home.

Personally, I love him for who he is, good and bad. I know him. I know when he's upset, I know when he needs to be alone, I know when he needs to be with me, I know when he needs time with old friends, and I know when he needs a change of scenery. We've been together long enough to where our familes are comfortable with the cultural differences (he is Asian, I am not). We've our bad times and our falling outs enough to be grounded in reality.

I don't expect our marriage to be something that just is. Rather, I think it will be something that we're each committed to creating and evolving.

I love it and wouldn't change it for the world.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by FjS2000
Very good idea if you want to get serious w/the girl and you see the relationship going the long-haul.

 

DISCLAIMER: The below comments are my personal opinion - anyone's dis/agreement means nothing to me. I expect to be flamed but don't expect a response - I think I've covered this issue sufficiently in the past.
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Bad idea.

I look at it from a Christian perspective, naturally, and I guess that's enough for me. I'm told that fornication is wrong so I don't do it - I save this type of relationship (living together) for marriage.

Now, the reasons behind it? Personally, I think there are many - some contemporary, some traditional.

Firstly, legal issues could easily pop up if things don't work out - I believe that, after six months, that significant other may have a right to certain assets you own. You're taking a financial risk.

Secondly, what if that other person gets pregnant? It doesn't seem to be TOO big of an issue these days but you may have to deal with a bastard child. That's not always the easiest thing, especially if things don't work out.

Thirdly, you have to deal with family acceptance. This can cause rifts on both sides and in the relationship itself.

I don't accept this "try it and see how it works out so that you can determine if you should marry" idea. That's bull. Marriage and common-law relationships are NOT equal no matter what some say. With marriage comes an acceptance of responsibility in EVERY way that a common law relationship does not require. Common law relationships are (in my opinion and no offense to those in one) a cheap way of getting what you want without necessarily giving what is needed.

My $0.02 - keep the change.

 

Met my then GF in freshman year in college, 1991, and moved in together shortly thereafter. Her parents were not thrilled but still treated me well. Lived together through graduation.

We learned a lot about each other then. Learned how we react to each other over time under economic hardship. We were dirt-a$$ poor while in college.

After graduation, but before we married, we bought our first home together in 1998. We finally married in 2002. Nine years is a long time to get to know each other, but I think the experience helped the marriage.

As an aside, she is Catholic, so we had a Catholic wedding. One of the preliminaries to this is Pre-Cana, basically a series of pre-marriage counseling sessions given to familiarize the new couple with issues that may arise after marriage. This was a depressing thing for us. The Catholic priest basically told us we had a 93% (yes, 93%) chance of divorce because; 1) we had lived together first, and 2) I was not Catholic.

The Pre-Cana counseling sessions were done at a couple

 

I guess there are 2 sides to this arguement coming from 2 predominant "types" of people - The idealist romantic and the realist/disillusioned.
This is the way I see it (and I AM NOT putting either of these down.).....

-The Idealist Romantic tends to be young, tends to live in a smaller town, religious,and doesn't have a lot of relationship experience before hand. They come into a realtionship starry-eyed and w/ideas that when I meet this person, my family will like him/her, we will say "yes honey" to everyone of OUR needs and wants, that everything will be perfect. They think consciously or unconsciously that "when we marry, we will do things just like my perfect mom and dad did. Everything will be perfect"
And you know what, from time to time, these type of folks find each other and do go thru their lives like this, great for them, that's what we all want.

But we don't live in the 50s, which leads me to my next batch of people.

The Disillusioned/Realist - These folks tend to be a bit older, late 20s+, they've been thru a few relationships, many live in larger cities. They know that people today are a bit more selfish than they'll ever admit (including themselves), that in order for things to work in the long run, they have to find someone who wants the same things as them, have similar goals, is interested or at least tolerates each other's interests. This type of people know that family roles tend to blurr now a days and that mommy doesn't stay in the house w/her apron on taking care of the kids and daddy works a perfect 9-5 day then comes home to a home-cooked meal where the family sits around the dinner table and discusses what happened that day. Sure it's a nice picture, the realist knows that, but they also know that it's difficult to come by. Going back to what I said --- "Now a days, men and women are so independant that when you put them in the same space, they're so used to having their way they don't know how to compromise." - is true.

Why do you think half of the marriages in this country end up in divorce. Why is it that I have 2 divorced friends, one that's on her way to her second divorce and she's only 26. People don't know how to live w/each other, that's why it's important to live w/someone first before you make that "Life Long Committment."

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by FjS2000
Why do you think half of the marriages in this country end up in divorce.

 

*laughs* When my bf and I met, we were each on top of the world, each making over well over 100K per year. Then the high tech market collapsed, and each of us lost nearly everything we had just trying to stay breathing. I lost my house and my savings. He lost most of his savings, including an account that his late wife reserved for their daughters weddings. Our wedding date has been delayed for over 2 years because of desperatley trying to patch our lives back together.

There is a reason why the traditional wedding vows are written the way they are. No where does it say "Do you take this man/woman to live your life so everything will be all hunky-dorey and happy happy joy joy." In fact, it mentions lifes extremes. Better or worse. Richer or poorer. Sickness and health.

I know what I want in my life, and I know what I want in a partner. I found it...and he feels the same about me. I know he is the right person, and I am really looking forward to the intimacy of he being part of my life. That is something I am only going to give to my husband, and I value that my husband is only going to give that to me.

We may be a lot of things...but starry-eyed naive country bumpkins ain't one of them!

 

I lived with my last two gf's (separate times).

First experience was with my fiancee at the time. We dated forever (I've known her for 10 years now). Moved in for two years and called the whole thing off. Just didn't work out.
Good: You get to find out who they really are.
Always having her there, eat dinner, watch TV, to go to bed with and wake up with, etc. (You know the things you love when you are first together).

Bad: You get to find out who they really are.
Always having her there, eat dinner, watch TV, to go to bed with and wake up with, etc. (You know the things you hate when one of you is about to move on...)
$$$ Paying for a bigger place (I paid for the whole thing, housing, food, laundry, bills, etc.) She was my fiancee at the time so I didn't care at that time.

We managed to stay friend. It's weird and awkward when we see each other with someone else, but it's do-able.

2nd experience.
Good: $$ saving. Now, I got smarter and we are spliting the cost of everything. And she was ok with it before she moved in. In fact, she was looking forward to the savings herself (We're in DC metro).
We're more at the friends level then the lovey-dovey level, so that going well. We have common interests: fitness, video games, movies, food, wine, etc.

Bad: She's a slob, I'm a slob, so our place is usually a mess, but not too bad.
ONLY concern, if we were to call it off, finding a new place for her to live/move out would be difficult and expensive at the last minute notice.

If we were to call it off, I would live with my next gf as well. I really enjoy the company, like doing stuff together, and like coming home to somebody (not the same as coming home to a dog or a cat).

Good luck,

LT

 

it's a great idea...there really isn't another way that you will find out if living together will work out before it is too late! i don't see anything anywhere that says you should have to be married before doing so...not even in religious texts. i mean think about it - we all live 'together' all the time anyway!