Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to
read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending -- and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight speech impediment. Every now and then she stops to
breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut up!" - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

 

 

 

 

you forgot one: my wife loves to cook, she just need to realize the smoke alarm isn't a timer -Ron White

 

 

if something is fast you must say as analogy:

faster than a duck could rape a lizard in the mouth.. it gets reaction

 

she needs to stop listening to the cardiologist

 

"Life begins at 160" Jack DeRyke


"This morning is as cold as your dogs nose when you come out in your robe and he greets you as you bend over to pick up your morning paper" Chicago radio announcer