He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like ... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!!

 

" He who goes to sleep with itchy butt, wakes up with smelly fingers."

 

that was NASTY!!!!! hehehehehe

"If at first you don't succeed, hide any evidence you ever tried"

"Brains, like cars, come with warranties. And brains, like cars, break down the minute the warranty is up" <---- deep thoughts should figure that one out

 

When in doubt, mumble.

 

Virginity like balloon, one prick - all gone

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Baseball wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.