1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like... night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
10. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
11. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
12. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
13. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
14. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
15. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living
17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
19. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
24. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
25. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Advice.

 

You've got a good list started there!
If I may offer one of my favorites:
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.