"EXPERIENCE: I have worked at many different jobs in order to find out what sort of work suits me best."

Have you decided yet?


COVER LETTER: "I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review and consideration. I look forward to hearing you real soon."

Are you listening now?

Your cover letter is your chance to highlight your unique qualifications and convince the employer to take a careful look at your resume. Research the firm and the industry, and demonstrate your new-found knowledge of the field and the position's requirements. Always make the case for why your background meets the organization's needs and not vice versa. Employers want to know what you can do for them. Your cover letter should focus on key aspects of your background that relate directly to the job opportunity, unlike the following:



"SKILLS: I have a certificate in beach sweeps."

Seems like a never-ending job.

COVER LETTER: "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

That explains the dog-eared edges.

"QUALIFICATIONS: I have extensive experience with foreign accents."

Any knowledge of the languages to go with them?

"OBJECTIVE: Employee."

Could you be a little more specific?

"EXPERIENCE: Dislike current job and have spent 10 years seeking another."

Maybe you should rethink your approach.


From Resumania.com

 

Along the same lines........................

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

I was reviewing a resume recently. The candidate was quite qualified: relevant (but not direct) work experience, good grades (single digit ranking at school), high gmat score (99th percentile), etc... Everything was going well until I got to the bottom of his cover letter: "In short, I believe that I would be a suitable candidate for the Associate position at [insert name of major competitor]".

Oops.

 

yeah, i just went through the college admissions process, which obviously involves the dreaded essays....the cornell rep told me that she'd read a letter once that she was absolutely going to admit...but then she read at the bottom " And that's why I think i would make a positive addition to the student Body of Brown University." whoops. (she admitted him anyways, glad to know that kindness does ovvasionally occur)

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