"Squawks"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and airline pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are defect listings that pilots leave for the maintenance crews.

Defect: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Action. . ."Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Defect: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Action. . ."Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Defect #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Action #1. . . "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Defect #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Defect: "The autopilot doesn't."
Action. . . "IT DOES NOW."

Defect: "Something loose in cockpit."
Action. . . "Something tightened in cockpit."

Defect: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Action. . . "Evidence removed."

Defect: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Action. . . "Volume set to more believable level."

Defect: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Action. . . "Live bugs on order."

Defect: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Action. . . "Cannot reproduce Defect on ground."

Defect: "IFF inoperative."
Action. . . "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Defect: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Action. . . "That's what they're there for."

Defect: "Number three engine missing."
Action. . . "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Defect: "Aircraft handles funny."
Action. . . "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious."

Defect: "Target Radar hums."
Action. . . "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.