OT: Joke(s) of the Day
11-30-2006, 05:06 AM
#101
THE NUDIST COLONY
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
11-30-2006, 07:09 PM
#102
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Rules for hunting lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
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1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
12-01-2006, 05:19 AM
#103
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
12-01-2006, 12:41 PM
#104
A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borrey one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borrey one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
12-02-2006, 08:26 AM
#105
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There was this guy who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he couldn't imagine life without playing music, sports and all the other things that he took for granted.
One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms continued dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy, you one-armed dickhead. My ass itches!"
======================
"Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!" a wife complains. "It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
One day he could not stand it anymore and decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms continued dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy, you one-armed dickhead. My ass itches!"
======================
"Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!" a wife complains. "It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
12-04-2006, 07:57 AM
#106
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
12-05-2006, 05:51 AM
#107
Administrator
Thread Starter
TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN
10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.
10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.
12-05-2006, 06:49 AM
#108
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What is your problem?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
12-05-2006, 01:35 PM
#109
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
12-06-2006, 04:56 AM
#110
>A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
>
>The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
>
>He opened his newspaper and began reading.
>
>After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
>
>The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of bathing."
>
>The drunk muttered in response, " Well Ill be darned," and then returned to his paper.
>
>The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized and said, "I'm very sorry...I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
>
>The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
>
>
>
>The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
>
>He opened his newspaper and began reading.
>
>After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
>
>The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of bathing."
>
>The drunk muttered in response, " Well Ill be darned," and then returned to his paper.
>
>The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized and said, "I'm very sorry...I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
>
>The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
>
>