Jerry, I hope they remain friends. Sounds like they just decided that they wanted to live separate lives. I have a good friend who went thru a nasty divorce and the couple could not be in the same building. On the other hand, I also have friends who were divorced and then after living separately for awhile decided to get remarried. They have been together now for over 2 years and appear to be very happy.

My only 'advice' is to be supportive of whatever 'they' decide. This is something they need to work out between themselves.

 

Val, I know I'm not exactly the most experienced vintage person, but I have found over the years that good communication is the best way to get over any issues you may have with your +1. When I first met my wife, she would sometimes get into what I called 'the quiet zone', where she wasn't saying much, but I could tell something was wrong. My policy was to not let her sleep until she spilled the beans, and I was persistent enough to keep her awake until she did

It was usually something that was trivial in the scheme of things, but she dwelled on it until it was blown way out of proportion in her mind. We've been married almost 7 years now, and she doesn't hold anything back any more. If she's worried about something, she just tells me, even if I sometimes still have to prompt her first.

We get along like the best friends we are.

Dave.

 

It is silly, Val...your +1 is crazy about you. What's not to like?

 

Thanks, Perk. My point is that as far as my friend's hubby knew, everything was fine. +1 and I talk all the time, have a very loving and enjoyable relationship, never raise our voices to each other even if we do not agree on everything (like . . . when I want a new car ), etc. I think when this thing happened, it just set off the thought that you never really know for sure what someone is thinking and the bomb can be dropped even if you think everything is okay. Jim and I have always shared (at least I think we share) our thoughts, our dreams, our concerns, etc. I know how I feel and it appears that he shares my feelings, but do you ever realllllllly know??? I think my insecurities are rooted in remembering years and years ago a visit and several phone calls that I got from one of my close relatives who'd been married for 40 years. He shared with me some of the most trivial little things (like: she leaves the cookies open on the counter and she isn't as neat as I'd like). He was very, very unhappy, but didn't feel that he could tell her all these little things. He really considered leaving her over these little relatively insignificant things. They stayed together, but I always felt uncomfortable knowing how those little things bothered him so much that it was hard for him to enjoy his marriage, yet he stayed and she grieved horribly over his death. How many little things does a mate do that make you and can we not simply overcome those things and dwell on the things that you really love about someone? The only two things Jim does that I find a smack irritating are: #1, he leaves the bar stool sitting out and if I don't turn the light on at night when I go through the room, I stub my toe on it and #2, he leaves the doggy poop scooper sitting beside the patio and I hate seeing it there. I communicate my feelings very nicely, yet he does it again and again. Its not worth fussing about, so I just #1 put the barstool back in place and #2, move the poop scooper to its rightful place. I cannot say I find this so unnerving that I'd leave him over it, but apparently there are people who would be quite unhappy to the point that every little thing a mate does becomes an irritant.

 

I think those irritations over little things are not really the problem, but potentially the symptoms of a larger issue. Communication is definitely the key. As well as basic compatibility and common interests. Life is too short to not be enjoying it, with or without a significant other. I was married for 24 years before I separated, had fun for 10 after that, then met the current +1.

 

Beats a bad divorce or when there is a 3rd party involved any day.

 

Would you please, oh please, teach those 5 magical words to my gf/finace to be????

 

I've been in those "we're getting divorced, now let's just be normal like always" situations several times, with a range of results. Once, it was just fine, just like "normal" (meaning, OK). Other times was weird at best and quite uncomfortable (as in, how soon can we get out of this?) or outright hostile, with the two individuals lobbying for others to take sides.

One of the saddest things for me about these things is that you lose track of people whom you had thought of as friends. In this particular case, for example, there's a good chance that this is the last time you'll ever see the person you didn't go to high school with (given that these are mini-reunions and they could well carry on without that person). Something like that's happening now for me, only it's back in Colorado. A couple I met through my wife is divorcing; Claire is sticking with her friend, and soon-to-be-ex-husband Bob is already pretty much out of the picture. And he's an interesting guy. HPH

 

Yes, that does happen...when I separated from the ex, a couple we were friends with ended up staying friends with the ex and basically dropping me. Wives tend to be threatened having a single woman around. Sad, but true...

 

Wow, lots of good feedback....I need to show this thread to Kathy b/c SHE is the really sensitive one and will be worrying about our upcoming weekend....

Yes, we will stay mostly in contact with 'John', who we have both known since about 7th grade! Kathy even went to a formal dance once with him; and he slipped and fell onto the floor He is a musician and played the organ at our wedding; composed a lullaby for our first-born (soon to be 33 ); and is a very creative academic (who is much loved by his students). Yes, we'll keep in touch...

To add to their misery, they are in the midst of a much-delayed and expensive renovation of their kitchen....which must be finished before they can sell their house in Tampa and start their separate lives

Interestingly, they are both into music....'Jane' is an elementary music teacher and has a beautiful solo voice. I guess the music hasn't been the 'tie that binds'