Grandmother, "mellow" is a word that will never be used to describe me.

 

Okay, so I forgot the "er" but I see progress.

 

Somehow I missed posting in this thread earlier...I'm assuming you mean in negative situations. To me, the reason people control your emotions is that you take on the responsibility for how *they* feel, even though you are not responsible. You can only be responsible for how you react to them. You do have some control over that. You can take a walk, or count to ten, or hit a punching bag, or go for a drive and listen to Korn. Different strokes for different folks...the point is to remove yourself, either physically or mentally, from whatever it is that sets you off. I believe that I've read that it helps if you say the word "Stop" out loud to yourself. That interrupts the emotional reaction and focuses your mind. Try it...might work!

 

Neither. As a product of the "corporate weinie" world, I "proact" to every situation, because acting is not enough in today's corporate world.

 

I recently heard some good advice, "If someone pushes your buttons, you need to lose your buttons."

It's hard for sure, but I'm working on it.

I work for someone who is a major reactor. Watching him over react, time and time again,(and often making a fool of himself) is helping me realize how important it is to lose those buttons.

 

I don't think you can really lose your buttons. I mean, seriously, a person is who he/she is. Certainly, it's good to remain circumspect and especially try to learn from the obvious weaknesses in others' personalities. Observation is a wonderful tool.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is to know your buttons and to be able to talk about them. With folks that really need to know (say, my family or my management at work) I try to be open and frank about my own "issues." For example, I take my work very personally and I need to be coddled sometimes in order to prevent burnout. I make every manager I work for abundantly aware of this so they can know what I'm dealing with.

Anyway, I don't mean to say that we're slaves to our upbringing, but I do mean that we can't deny the core things that drive us.

 

OR, I think you've already taken the biggest step which is just being aware of the opportunity for improvement. One of the best approaches for the reactive vs proactive dilemma I've seen is from Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." He speaks in terms of stimulus and repsonse. It may be best to illustrate it as he does:

Stimulus --> Response

We have the ability to control the part represented by the "-->" That's our opportunity to choose a response based on our values. No response is also an option. I like this as a way to visualize the process and will imagine myself trying to control that gap between stimulus and response.

jd

 

Interesting. I need to examine the "arrow" in more detail. When someone pushes my buttons I "feel" an emotional response coming. Almost like a runaway train. Perhaps I can dissect that feeling...what it means...the end result, etc. Keep the ideas coming! The biggest area where this happens is when I feel I've been "wronged". I can't accept someone doing that to me and not reacting. I feel like it's "unfair". Weird isn't it?

 

When I was a tyke, 10 was the magic number. 10 ways to riches. 10 ways to a better life. Starting with Covey's book, I started to notice that 7 has become the magic number.

I'm not kidding, I can't tell you the number of times I've seen the number 7 come up for this sort of thing. I suppose we all got too busy to deal with 10 anymore.

Only thing that hasn't changed from 10 is the number of work hours they try to squeeze out of me every day.

 

Well, Carmen, as JD put it... If you've got a handle on what the button is, then give yourself some credit.

My question to you is, do you think your evaluation of what "being wronged" is is valid? Are you too thin-skinned, or have you really been wronged?

Man, I don't feel that reacting (badly) to being wronged is weird at all. Life may not be fair, but that doesn't stop us from wanting it to be.