Monday a friend in his mid 30's took his own life, memorial this sat.
He had an ongoing battle w/ depression and seemingly turned a corner, then this shocking news...details are not forthcoming, I suspect it's pretty bad.
I feel awful for the family, oldest chinese son.
Of course I wonder if....
What do you say?

 

"I'm sorry for your loss."

 

People are especially hesitant to speak of suicide, but I think the family needs to hear the same thing that you would have said if he'd died in an accident or of a disease -- that you're sorry for their loss, he was a true friend and you'll miss him, that you're there for them if there is anything you can do to help them, etc. The worst mistake people make, imho, is to NOT speak of the deceased because of the circumstances.

And, I'm sorry for your loss. It's so tough to lose those we care about whether they are family or friends.

 

Suicide is a very complex issue. There are no easy answers to why or what if. All you can do is express your sincere sorrow to the family for the loss. By your presence, you are comforting them.

 

I had a girlfriend once whose sister committed suicide. She asked me never to talk about it, so I took her literally and kept my mouth shut. I found out years later from a mutual friend that she was very hurt that I didn't say anything. Don't make the same mistake.

 

Depression can take you to some pretty dark places where all hope is lost. Sadly, suicide seems like the easy way out. Unfortunately it can't be undone. I feel bad for your friend and the family and friends he left behind. They will be wounded for a long time.

I believe the only way out is a relationship with a power greater than ourselves. Some people call this power God, other people have different conceptions. Whatever it is, a spiritual solution is the answer. There are certain things humans just don't have the ability to fix. But when all seems lost, God can do unbelievable things. I believe this, I've seen it, I've lived it in my own life. I'm currently going through my own personal hell, but I know I am being cared for and guided. I have learned that I am not the best judge of what I need. I want what I want, when I want it. This attitude of self-will always gets me in trouble emotionally. It's only when I put my faith in that higher power and ask for guidance and strength that I can grow.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Dex.

 

Sorry here too. Martha expressed my sentiments very well.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, Dex.

 

Thanks ORacer, the 'emotions/ thooughts/ feelings' are compounded by the fact that he was a person of strong faith and seemed to be overcoming/ managing the darkness. Girlfriend, new job, starting PHD...it is surely very complicated but perhaps it'll never be really 'understood'.
He was also in a group w/ a very prominent person in the field, which I think may have something to do w/ the reticence (don't want to set a precedence?).
Hang in; I'm reading the book Yearnings by Craig Barnes. It's a sobering acknowledgement that we are broken people living in a fallen world..and redemption will never be complete this side of heaven.

 

I know that I have problems just processing the deaths of those close to me. I feel guilt for things I should have done, ways I should have been more thoughtful, and so on. I can't even imagine the guilt that family and friends must feel when someone takes his own life. I have friends who dealt with the death of their son by suicide and I felt awful for them. We don't talk about it when we get together...we're usually in a large group and see each other once a year. I don't know that they're going to process anything you tell them at the funeral, though. Just let them see you there and share your love and sadness with them. Maybe a couple of weeks later drop them a note to let them know you're thinking about them and maybe say something to try to relieve some of the blame they're probably placing on themselves. I agree with Carmen on this one....this isn't something we can handle by our mere mortal selves.