Matt_in_VA

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for
High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

RENDERMAN

AGBLLET

While walking along a wooded trail near Boulder, Colorado a man came
> > upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the
> > tree.
> > Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
> > you doing?
> >
> > "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
> >
> > "You gotta be kiddin' me."
> >
> > "No, would you like to give it a try?"
> >
> > Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
> > So he wrapped his
> > arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this
> > the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
> > jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
> >
> > Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
> > handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell
> > happened to you?"
> >
> > He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
> > When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
> > sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
> > and said:
> > "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake"...

uwimage

NEW RULES:


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my
lawn.


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
LUCKY BASTARDS.


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you
have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket - water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass and it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

boltonblue

hey wait a minute, ladies have eyebrows... when did this happen?

Palmateer

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper replied, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

bluerooster

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

bluerooster

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

AGBLLET

From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton . The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

AGBLLET

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking
chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far.

These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said
that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As
a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could
make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them
a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was
going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:
Which tire? _________