Lovetodrive2000

Lovetodrive2000

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

NNY S2k

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.


"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.


He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law.
"I have perfect eyesight!"
"Were did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Matt_in_VA

There is something to be said for growing up in NYC:


An Englishman, a Frenchman and a guy from New York City are captured by
cannibals.

The cannibal chief says “We’re going to kill you, eat you and then use your
skins to make a canoe.

But you do get to choose how you die.”

The Englishman pulls out a revolver, yells “God save the Queen,” and shoots
himself in the head!

The Frenchman grabs a bottle of cyanide and shouts. “Vive La France,” and drinks
the poison and dies.

It’s now the guy from New York Cities turn. He pulls out a fork and begins
stabbing himself repeatedly all over his body!

He shouts, “Screw you and your damn canoe!”

Looter

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a
STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD:
At The Doctor's
BFF:
Best Friend Fainted
BTW:
Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:
Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:
Covered By Medicare
CGU:
Can't get up
CU@TSC:
See You At The Senior Center
DWI:
Driving While Incontinent
FWBB:
Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:
Forgot Where I Was
FYI:
Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:
Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:
Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:
Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:
Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:
Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:
Living On Lipitor
LWO:
Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:
On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:
Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL:
Talk To You Louder
WAITT:
Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:
Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:
Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:
Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:
(Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

Matt_in_VA

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"


And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."


St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

Emil St-Hilaire

Matt,you're incredible.!!!

Matt_in_VA

Happy that you enjoyed it.

I will have to PM you one I got tonight. As it would have to go into the Politics Thread here.

Matt_in_VA

Love it- wish I thought of it. Especially since we do not have any children.


The IRS sent my Tax forms back!
AGAIN!
I guess it was because of my response to the question :
"List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Matt_in_VA

A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"