Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
06-18-2007, 01:52 PM
#261
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> A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How
> long before I can get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
> hours."
>
> The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks
> his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can
> get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around at the shop full of customers
> and says, "About 3 hours."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop
> and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an
> hour and half."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
> says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he
> goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
> haircut, but then doesn't come back."
>
> A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
> laughing hysterically.
>
> The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
> here?"
>
> Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your
> house."
> long before I can get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
> hours."
>
> The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks
> his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can
> get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around at the shop full of customers
> and says, "About 3 hours."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop
> and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an
> hour and half."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
> says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he
> goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
> haircut, but then doesn't come back."
>
> A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
> laughing hysterically.
>
> The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
> here?"
>
> Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your
> house."
06-19-2007, 11:26 AM
#262
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I know a lot of us can relate to this one 
TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
06-20-2007, 05:31 PM
#263
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Subject: STATE TROOPER
TICKET
A redneck gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the redneck about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the redneck feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The red neck sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the redneck replies, "Circle flies hang around barns.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment
later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the redneck replies. "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause, the redneck, in his best Georgia drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though."
TICKET
A redneck gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the redneck about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the redneck feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The red neck sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the redneck replies, "Circle flies hang around barns.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment
later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the redneck replies. "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause, the redneck, in his best Georgia drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though."
06-21-2007, 01:09 PM
#264
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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
06-21-2007, 02:35 PM
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
06-21-2007, 04:48 PM
#267
Forgive me if this is a recycled one. But the story above about the barber (which I had heard years ago), reminded me of this barber joke.
A five year old girl tags along with her Father as he runs some errands on a Saturday, including getting his hair cut. As her Father is in the chair the little girl is at his side holding his her Father's hand with one hand and eating a snack cake in her other hand.
The barber looks down as he moves to that side of the chair during the course of the hair cut looks down at the little girl and says: "Honey, you may want to move because I do not want you to get hair on your twinkie". The little girl responds: "Oh, that is OK, my Mother has already told me about that, and that I am going to grow boobs too"
A five year old girl tags along with her Father as he runs some errands on a Saturday, including getting his hair cut. As her Father is in the chair the little girl is at his side holding his her Father's hand with one hand and eating a snack cake in her other hand.
The barber looks down as he moves to that side of the chair during the course of the hair cut looks down at the little girl and says: "Honey, you may want to move because I do not want you to get hair on your twinkie". The little girl responds: "Oh, that is OK, my Mother has already told me about that, and that I am going to grow boobs too"
06-22-2007, 02:36 PM
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Nine words or phrases women use:
1. *Fine*: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. *Five Minutes*: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. *Nothing:* This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. *Go Ahead*: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. *Loud Sigh*: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.* That's Okay*: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. *Thanks*: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8*. Whatever*: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. *Don't worry about it, I got it:* Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
1. *Fine*: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. *Five Minutes*: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. *Nothing:* This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. *Go Ahead*: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. *Loud Sigh*: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.* That's Okay*: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. *Thanks*: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8*. Whatever*: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. *Don't worry about it, I got it:* Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
06-25-2007, 05:59 AM
#269
After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to
summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only
type
of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put
into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is
lounging beside the grill - beer i n hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces,
drinks, cups and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most import ant of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some
women
summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only
type
of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put
into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is
lounging beside the grill - beer i n hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces,
drinks, cups and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most import ant of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some
women
06-27-2007, 06:29 AM
#270
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.