AGBLLET

The fifty laws of Golf:

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and give advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. (Funny how this law applies to women.)

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW`3).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, asshole."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 21: If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

LAW 22: The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

LAW 23: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 24: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

LAW 25: Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

LAW 26: No matter how bad you play, it is always possible to play worse.

LAW 27: During your swing, never think about more than 300 separate things.

LAW 28: When your shot must carry over a water hazard, you may either hit one more club or hit two more balls.

LAW 29: If you're afraid that your full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting, you have two options: you may immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and then top a ball halfway there.

LAW 30: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.

LAW 31. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

LAW 32. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 33. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

LAW 34. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

LAW 35. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

LAW 36. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 37. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 38. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 39. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

LAW 40. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 41. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

LAW 42. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 43. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 44. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 45. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

LAW 46. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 47. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

LAW 48. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

LAW 49. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 50. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

JonasM

666 = number of the Beast
665 = older brother of the Beast
660 = approximate number of the Beast
66600 = zip code of the Beast
$665.95 = retail price of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High-Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
/666 = Beast Common Denominator
-666

RENDERMAN

Try to catch the rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

dlq04

An old one but always worth a laugh.....

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 45th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Alecia. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Alecia what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
_DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it

AGBLLET

This is just another reminder of why it is good to be alive today as a vintage member!

__________________________________________________ __



TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright
colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank
koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as
long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no
video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no
Internet or chat rooms.......

We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth andthere were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms
did not live in us forever.

We were allowed to buy a BB gun from the money we earned delivering papers in the early mornings.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
The bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that these days

RENDERMAN

State of Arkansas Residency Application

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

sugarbear

Subject: VINTAGE STORIES
>
>
> One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended
up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing
him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she
was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
> "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly."
> __________________________________________________ ____
> A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
> "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
>
> Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
>
> After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
>
__________________________________________________ ____________________
> This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife
says, "Where are you going?"
> He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
> And she said, "Are you sick?"
> "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new little blue
pills."
> So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
> He said," Where are you going?"
> She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
> He said, "Why?"
> She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I

AGBLLET

Cancelling flight school.

dlq04

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary.."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

NNY S2k

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am.

But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would
you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would Ya"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was
Irish?

What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indig nation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."