Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
04-03-2008, 04:35 AM
#461
The Trucker
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store ?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store ?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
04-03-2008, 05:52 PM
#462
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton..
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and, I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him..
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is In the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton..
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and, I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him..
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is In the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
04-04-2008, 08:02 AM
#463
12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on SkySports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
04-04-2008, 08:44 AM
#464
^^ 
04-05-2008, 04:28 PM
#465
Registered User
Originally Posted by Jumpy Guy,Apr 1 2008, 10:05 AM
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
That is funny!I resemble that remark
04-07-2008, 03:56 AM
#466
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
04-07-2008, 12:33 PM
#467
O. J. Simpson dies suddenly and immediatly shows up in the Devil's office in Hell.
The Devil says, O.J. I knew I would be getting your soul but not this soon and now I need to make room for you. We need to ask someone to leave so I am going to give you 3 choices of where you want to spend eternity in Hell.
The Devil took him to a room and inside was Al Gore swimming laps in a cesspool. O.J. said no to this offer.
The Devil took him to another room where Ted Kennedy was breaking rocks with a sledge hammer. O.J. said no to this offer as a previous football injury would make doing this very difficult.
Finally, the Devil took him into a room where Bill Clinton was lying on a bed naked with his hands and feet bound to the bed posts. On top of Bill was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. O.J. smiled and said this is where I want to spend the rest of eternity.
The Devil then motioned for Monica to leave.
The Devil says, O.J. I knew I would be getting your soul but not this soon and now I need to make room for you. We need to ask someone to leave so I am going to give you 3 choices of where you want to spend eternity in Hell.
The Devil took him to a room and inside was Al Gore swimming laps in a cesspool. O.J. said no to this offer.
The Devil took him to another room where Ted Kennedy was breaking rocks with a sledge hammer. O.J. said no to this offer as a previous football injury would make doing this very difficult.
Finally, the Devil took him into a room where Bill Clinton was lying on a bed naked with his hands and feet bound to the bed posts. On top of Bill was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. O.J. smiled and said this is where I want to spend the rest of eternity.
The Devil then motioned for Monica to leave.
04-08-2008, 04:41 AM
#468
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Orlampa (Lakeland), FL
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to
80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
04-08-2008, 04:42 AM
#469
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Orlampa (Lakeland), FL
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>Einstein's would be 107 if he were alive today.
>
>Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin,
>Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that
>he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that
>if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is
>stronger if there is a DNA connection.
>
>
>This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty
>
>Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin,
>Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that
>he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that
>if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is
>stronger if there is a DNA connection.
>
>
>This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty
