Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
 

Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

(Note: Political or religious jokes go in the Politics subforum.)

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

How To Make A Name For Yourself On The Web:

So I mistyped an account number into a field once in Google Chrome and the damn thing remembers such stuff (has a longer memory than an angry woman!). Every time I go to fill in that field on that site, it shows the mistyped number as my first choice and I invariably click it before I remember it’s wrong and then I get a failed logon. So I Googled “how to remove autocomplete in chrome” and got a GREAT Q&A discussion forum page as the very first result with exactly the steps I needed.

Here is where the funny part comes in. Kayle (the original poster) writes:And he was given an answer. But the follow-up comments are the best:

Murphy has been saving up jokes I think. I just had to post this because it could be me. How about you?http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/07/16/utuduhyr.jpg


Sent from byte heaven

Glad my Wifely Unit does not have a gun.



https://www.s2ki.com/s2000/uploads/g...60f79c9219.jpg

I can SO RELATE to that. My wife just says "OMG, you didn't wear that to store, did you? Thank God, I wasn't with you!"

How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

:spitcoffee:

^ good one

This one is just a visual...
http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/wp-co...e-catagory.jpg

Only a Farm Kid"...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy."How about your brother, Howard, is he here?" asked the farmer."No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

Jokes About Aging
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

What deep thinkers we men are... I mowed the lawn today, and
after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said
'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to
explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then
lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful

than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
arrived at the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It
might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear
a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I
rest my case.

Time for another beer.

A truly oldy, but still a goody. :reefer: :reefer:

Jon

Dwayne asked Lonnie. "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the Korean War, to make us stop thinking about women?

Lonnie replied, "I think you mean saltpeter."

Dwayne. "Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to kick in now"

I can see clearly now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU&sns=em


Sent from byte heaven

Payback's a ditch...
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday

Nostalgia…


I know I’m older than most, but when I was a boy my mamma would send me to the corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.

You can’t do that now…there are too many effin security cameras around!

Two Jews walk into a bar......*
















* l hope you're hearing the rest of the joke Robin.

Arriving In Heaven


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"


=


:reefer: :reefer: :reefer:


Jon

A gal walks into a bar and orders a drink
A handsome, well built guy asks to sit with her and buy her the drink
She accepts and one drink leads to another
The guy invites her to his apartment in a very high end neighborhood
They share another drink and the guy asks her if she wants a tour of his apartment
She accepts and when they get to his bedroom she is surprised to see one wall filled with teddy bears
There are small bears on the bottom shelf, medium sized bears on the middle shelf and large teddy bears on the top shelf
She thinks, what a sensitive guy he is even though he is very masculine and well built
He kisses her and they make passionate love all night
She awakes in the morning next to him and thinks that this guy is going to be the father of my children
He awakes and she asks him how he felt about their passionate night of making love
He caresses her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says
You may select one teddy bear from the middle shelf!!

An oldie, but still a goodie. :reefer: :reefer:

Jon

We need a few good funnies today...


At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their skimpy T-shirts. (It's
impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I have lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat....
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed....
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.....
Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly......
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP,8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door (at this point the husband started crying).
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.

Late in the night he regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

THAT, MY FRIEND, IS HAVING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

I suspect this is an old one but someone sent it to me, and I don't recall seeing it before. :vintage:

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.


Dear Mr. Page...

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No
there is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.


As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress .

Random Thoughts as We Age.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!

I like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex.

That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.

PLEASE READ THE COMMENTS FOLLOWING THIS MAIN ARTICLE------

The comments posted by readers are as funny as the story...NO, FUNNIER!

Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail
Loaded Gun hidden In suspect’s Vagina


KPD: Loaded, stolen gun found in woman's body

APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.
In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.
Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.
According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18.Figures.. it uses 'rim shot' ammo.
19.This supports the “Big Bang” theory.

http://www.timesnews.net/article/907...in-womans-body

At first, I thought this was made-up, but apparently it's true. Here is a pic of the subject weapon, so it's not too difficult to believe where it was hidden.https://www.s2ki.com/s2000/public/st...ault/smile.gif

http://cdn2.armslist.com/sites/armsl..._revol_640.jpg

Nurses never laugh.....

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient,

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
Smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In
Length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came Out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as
Well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came
Over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't
Happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Oh my!

When I heard a faith healer was the guest preacher at the local church, I decided to check him out in person.

I sat down and the preacher came right up to me. I do not know why. Maybe it was because I looked like I did not belong.

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him, “I am not paralyzed.”

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same divine message, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty and the will of God, you will walk today.”

Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.


After the sermon, I stepped outside and lo and behold, someone stole my car!


:)

.
.
.

An elderly couple finally learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was no-nonsense.

One afternoon the wife went to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message.

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I'm on the toilet. Please advise.”


:)

One winter morning while they listened to the radio, Michael and his wife, Debbie, heard the announcer say,

“We're going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snow plough can pass.”

Michael went out and moved his car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said,

“We're going to get 10-12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snow plough can pass.”

Michael goes out and moves the car again.

The next week they were having breakfast again and the radio announcer said,

“We're expecting 12-14 inches of snow today. You must park...” At that moment, the electricity went out!

Michael became quite upset. With a worried look on his face he said,

“Debbie, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I park on --- so the plough can pass?”

With love and understanding in her voice,

“Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?”

:LOL:

The Story of Life.

-----

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen. Cried all the time. Threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was very predictable. Never got excited about anything. Life became so dull. I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl. However, I could not keep up with her. She rushed from one craze to another. Never settled on anything. She was madly impetuous. She made me miserable, as often as happy. Huge fun initially, very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am now older, wiser, and looking for a girl with big tits.

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . in and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .

she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted . . . .





"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .

You do it . . . . !!"

“Fifteen years after being fired from the Patriots by Robert Kraft, Pete Carroll finally delivered a championship to Foxboro,”


:LOL:

:rofl:

That is brutal ...!!!!! :clap: :eek3:

But good!

" Morning Sex "
Carol was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

Carol explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Good one.

(Glad she wasn't making hard boiled eggs.)

This a real old one that's been around before.... but still good

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across thegarage,


"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,


"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

A blind man walks into an all girls biker bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a whisky.

The bar tender sits a whisky in front of him. The blind man says hey can I tell you a blonde joke?

At this time the blond to the right him leans over and says sure but before you do that you should know a few things. The bar tender is a blonde and has a baseball bat on her, the bouncer is blonde and has a Billy club on her, the blonde next to me is a professional wrestler, I am blonde and have a black belt in Karate, and the blond on the other side of you is a professional body builder.

Now stop and think do you still want to tell that joke?

The blind man stops and thinks for a few seconds and responds,
"No........not if I'm going to have to repeat it 5 times."

You've probably heard this one before, but it's my all time favorite short joke (meaning a joke that can be told in only a few seconds).

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you"?

1sl cannibal to 2nd cannibal: "How you doing?"
2nd canibal to first: "I'm having a ball!"
1st cannibal to 2nd: "Don't eat so fast."

Attachment 182119




She might just be onto a new reason for the holiday.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!




His request approved,

the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local
airport to charter a flight.


He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.


He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.


The pilot taxied out,

swung the plane into the wind and took off.


Once in the air, the

photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'



'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for
CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some

close up shots.'


The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're
telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short. Drink the good beer first."

Levi

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

^^^
Attachment 135785

Ok, .... I'll register for Spring Fling! :LOL:

Those poor people in their 80's.........

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."




"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?

SENIOR MOTEL MOMENT

Madge checked into a motel on her 65th birthday.
She was a bit lonely so she thought, she’d call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for
escorts and sensual massages. She looked through
the phone book, found a full page picture and
ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right
muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs
and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.... She figured,
what the heck, nobody will ever know.
So she dialed the number. .
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my ... , he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you
to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."______________



Levi

Four guys have been going walleye fishing together on the opener for many years.


Two days before the season opens, John's wife Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies were pretty upset that he can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later, the three get to the lake cabin only to find John sitting there with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"



"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."


"So... Here I am!"

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
staying overnight in a really nice hotel.


When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
$250.00.


She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel,
but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even
have breakfast."


The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.


The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “Madam,
this hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are
available for use."


"But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
Explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen
one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.


"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.


"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.


No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use
it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several
minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay,
wrote a check and gave it to him.


The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this
check is for $50.00."


"That's correct! I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me. " she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager."

"Well, that's too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens!


Levi

Puttin on da boots








Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, ' Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'[ P.S.: She'll be eligible for parole in 6 years. ]

First off... thanks Looter! :)


Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, Business.

I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston .

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What's your business role at this convention?

Lecturer.. she responded.

I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

Really? he said.

And what kind of myths are there?

Well, she explained, One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry, she said, I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..

Tonto, the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

Chinese takeout: $17.89
Gas for the trip: $3.49
Getting home and realizing they forgot one of the items?

Riceless.

A little crude... but.... :)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light.

The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light.

His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light."

The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a second red light.

The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light.

His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?"

The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."

They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light.

His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out."

The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes.

His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"

The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says,

"No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."