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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f@#king badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your f@#king BADGE!!" (stolen from a liked post by airgate on Facebook!) :LOL: |
Subject: Facebook for Seniors
For those of my generation who cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I show them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day! I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. It works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. |
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. *************** I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. ***************** My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. **************** It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! *************** Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. **************** A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! *************** A hooker once told me she had a headache. **************** If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. ***************** I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' ************ I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. ***************** My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. ***************** I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. ********** The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' ********** My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. **************** I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. ************* My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. ************** My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel. **************** My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. *************** It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. **************** I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. ************* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. ***************** I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. **************** I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. **************** When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway." ****************** I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. ************** I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. ******************** Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." ******************* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. ************* I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. ******************* I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." ***************** I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. ******************* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. *********************** One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control. ************************ My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. **************** THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD |
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The Girl Across The Street
She's single. She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" "Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?" Being a senior citizen, really sucks! Really sucks! |
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: * My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." * My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." * My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." * "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property". Sarah replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!" |
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST
CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE. THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE ? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY," AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO." |
Just toured the Bourbon trail and came across this great little speech. Typical political double speak.:
"If By Whiskey" My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey: If when you say whiskey you mean the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster, that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it. But, if when you say whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life's great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that drink, the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars, which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it. This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise. |
Deep in a forest two now very large trees had lived close to each other for over a hundred years. One was a magnificent copper beech and the other a beautiful white birch. They were great friends and discussed religion, politics, the weather and many other things endlessly. And never, in all those many years, had a cross word passed between them.
Then one day they noticed that between them far below, a small tree had started to grow and the topic of the day became whether that small tree was a son-of-a birch or a son-of-a beech. Soon they began to argue about the lineage of that small tree. This continues for days until they suddenly decided that this was destroying their long term friendship and that they would find an impartial party to settle the issue once and for all. So they asked a woodpecker who happened to be sitting on a branch in the beech tree if he would be willing to fly down and determine whether that small tree was a son-of-a-birch or a son-of-a-beech. The woodpecker agreed and soon the two old friends heard the rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat of the bird making his investigation….It seemed to them to be taking a very long time. At last the woodpecker flew backup into the beech and said: “Guys, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but that small tree is neither a son-of-a birch or a son-of-a-beech but it is the best piece of ash I’ve had my pecker in for a very long time”. |
Ponderisms
Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? |
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