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Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

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Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

 
Old 01-03-2019, 04:09 PM
  #451  
 
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At breakfast, the man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."
"Great, “he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
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Old 01-04-2019, 12:35 PM
  #452  
 
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Well, what do I look like?

One day a husband comes home from work. His wife greets him and says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
Husband says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says."Great! What did he charge?" he says."Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"
Cheeky! Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.


"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
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Old 01-30-2019, 12:31 PM
  #453  
 
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The Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Last edited by kgf3076; 01-30-2019 at 12:39 PM.
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Old 01-30-2019, 01:31 PM
  #454  
 
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Good one Ken
Levi
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Old 02-10-2019, 12:23 PM
  #455  
 
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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. If you’re eating, send me a bite. If you’re drinking, send me a sip. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband, being not at all romantic, replied: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
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Old 02-21-2019, 03:55 AM
  #456  
 
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Her husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,




"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Old 02-21-2019, 01:46 PM
  #457  
 
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Not really a joke but didn't know where else to post these sage words of advice.......


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Old 02-22-2019, 12:14 AM
  #458  
 
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Good one Paul
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Old 02-26-2019, 10:30 AM
  #459  
 
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Old 02-26-2019, 04:00 PM
  #460  
 
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That's funny Dave.
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