Today is the Memorial Service for Kathy's mother at our church . She died on Good Friday and was cremated, so we will be 'interring' the 'cremains' in a $250 urn in a $250 'plot' in the 'Chapel Garden'.....then followed by a nice service in the chapel at our church. It will be a nice service, but has gotten over-blown....way out of proportion (this is the affluent Philly 'Main Line'). Family will be coming from Central Peeay and the place will be packed with.....Kathy's many friends at our church (she works there). Her mother was a very nice lady but she will be 'memorialized' as if she was Joan of Arc or the strongest lady in the universe. The entire day will cost much more than my mother-in-law would have approved.

Look for a swollen tongue at Watkins Glen b/c I will be biting mine all day long. I prefer simplicity and have already told my kids that my ashes are to be deposited in the Conewago Creek in Adams County, PA.....the special waterway next to our summer cottage.

How about you? What are your good or bad experiences with funerals, memorial services, rip-off funeral directors (another topic in itself )?

 

Ah, the "production." I am NOT a fan of the production. But funerals/memorials are for the living, not the deceased.

How does Kathy feel about it?

I know I'm repeating myself here from a previous post, but here goes. My father's funeral Mass was said by three deacons and a priest. (Amazing the roof did not cave in when Rick and I walked in). The extra priests just kind of happened as this one wanted to participate and this one was a friend of the family, etc. Dad would have loved it. He made his own arrangements including the viewing in the afternoon and evening, selected his music for the church, paid for his plot at the cemetery, had the head stone up, told us we had to "fill in the blanks." The line of cars going into the cemetery was long. Again, Dad would have loved it. He liked a party.

This type of production is NOT something we want for ourselves, but my Dad was old school and traditional in what he thought funerals should be. Mom has made more low key arrangements for herself.

I was amazed at the comfort I felt when people from way back when showed up to offer their sympathy. The lunch we served after was pleasant. People talking about days gone by. My father's employer from 45 years before was there.

So was it overpriced? Of course. Was it worth all that it cost? At this point I'd say it was. He would have loved it and it gave us comfort. Do I want that kind of thing for Rick and me. No. But if the ones we leave behind want to do something bigger than what I want, I'll be dead, it won't matter to me.

Jerry, enjoy the day for what it's worth and be glad folks thought so highly of Kathy's mother.

 

I'm with Jerry, but not for $$ reasons at all. +1 wants a full Catholic mass with all the priests, deacons, bishops, etc. we can muster together under one roof. I'd prefer to have my cremains scattered in a butterfly garden someplace with only my closest friends and family in attendance. A simple prayer for the living and I'm on my way. I would, however, like a procession of S2000s to accompany my cremains to the butterfly garden. After that, I'd love for my family and friends to celebrate my having been a part of their lives by lifting a glass or two and smiling.

 

My thoughts and prayers will be with Kathy and her family as always. I'm sure it will be a beautiful service. You behave.

 

In a week or so I will be planning the third funeral in one year for a family member.
My older brother passed a year ago today. He told me before he died, "Do whatever you want, at whatever church you want. I won't care, I won't be there." <vbg> I am the secretary/treasurer at a non-denominational church and easily could have either of the two Pastors I work with do the officiating, but chose to honor my mother's religious inclinations and had a catholic priest speak at the funeral home. I chose a simple casket, and had my brother interred at the military cemetary, as he was entitled from serving in the Army. The total cost: $6,000+
The entire event was extremely difficult since my paranoid/schizophrenic mother refused to believe it was her son lying there in the casket. She told me I was being tricked by the hospital and the funeral director. I gave her the privilege to be taken out of her care facility to attend the wake and funeral, knowing it would be cruel to keep her from her own son's funeral. However, ironically, she didn't believe it anyway.
Three weeks after my brother passed, my father passed. Mom was unable to comunicate what his wishes were, until she saw him in the casket and said, "That's not the suit he wanted to wear." Well it was too late now! Dad's hands had swelled up at the end, and the hospice facility had to cut off his wedding ring. I gave the funeral home a 'substitute' wedding ring to put on his hand for the wake...knowing it would upset my mother to see no ring on his hand, but when I viewed the body, there was no ring on his hand. No one at the funeral home remembered getting the ring. Dad's funeral cost $8,000+. Few friends came, apparently people didn't see it in the newspaper, didn't get the message, etc. He would have liked more people to be there. My father loved marching bands. He played in one for several years; playing lead trumpet. At the burial I had a friend of mine play my Dad's trumpet in the church (Amazing Grace) and at the gravesite (Taps). It was very moving to have his own horn that he loved and took good care of---'honor' him at his funeral. He also loved his country and flew a flag in front of his house everyday. The morning he was buried, I went to his house and set the flag at half-mast in front of his house. The funeral procession drove past the house for all to see.
Mom's now in a care facility for life, and in order to qualify for medicaid I will be pre-planning her funeral to 'spend down' her money. If my calculations are correct, I will have $12,000 to spend. It kills me to waste that kind of money on such a thing...but it can't be spent on anything else but her and her care.

As for myself---I want music playing at my wake, a big party for my friends afterwards and my ashes buried in a small church cemetary very close to our vacation home.

 

Quick update for my friends here:

The service was actually very well-done and meaningful. Kathy read a neat remembrance of her mother. My dtr read a lengthy prayer that she composed. The whole deal AT THE CHURCH cost >$1k + about $3k for the funeral services (mostly 300% markup 'services' related to handling the body/ cremation/ 'the urn'/ $1k fixed fee) + >$600 for the reception for out of town friends/ family (this was the 'party/ celebration' which was a very nice buffet at Bryn Mawr College's historic Wyndam conference center).

Now, we're about to leave town for a long weekend at our cottage. If this thread has any life on Sunday eve, I have some additional thoughts.

 

Jerry,

I don't mean to insult you but seem very hung up on the dollar amounts. That's probably the last thing that you should be thinking of.

The real issue is whether or not the service was done in good taste. If, as you said in your last post, the service was "very well done and meaningful" you should be satisfied.

 

Hmm...I didn't take his posting (the original or the 'update' one) as being hung up on the cost.
I posted the cost on my family member's funerals just to add a little perspective. (of course in the metro NY area everything is expensive, including taxes and dying )

Yes, good taste, memorable, and honoring to the deceased is the ultimate goal of a funeral/memorial service.



My sincerest condolences to you and your family, Jerry. May you find comfort in the warm & fond memories you have of your MIL.

 

Interestingly, I attended a co-worker's father's funeral today. It was a simple fare at a church where he attended. It was a meaningful one for the family and friends.

I also attended awhile back a military burial ceremony at Arlington for an Air Force pilot who died in Iraq. I didn't know him directly but compelled to go because of his affiliation with the church I align with.

Some how when an older person dies, it only seems natural in the grand scheme of things as a fact of life but when a younger person full of potential and dreams with a young family dies, the loss seems greater. That is my perspective on it. I know the loss is just as significant to the immediate family members regardless of the age of the person but from detached person's perspective, I don't sense the same sadness or sorrow when an old person after a long life goes the way of all mortals.

As several people mentioned, funeral service is really for the living family members and not the dead. The dead doesn't have anything to say about it. The dead will get over it. I think the living must arrange the service to meet their needs as far as grieving and healing are concerned. The amount of expense should correspond with family's wishes and affordability. If it is important for the family, expense should be at the family's discretion. However, I don't think those decisions should be made based on what other people might think. That would be irrelevant to me at least.

 

Jerry,

You've mentioned the charges by the church among others. I don't understand why a church would be charging that much to have a funeral service.

Even the Catholics don't charge that much. Maybe you should convert?

All kidding aside, as this is a serious topic, funerals are expensive. People are making big financial decisions when their emotions are often ruling their thinking. The next thing they know, they've spent 6-10K, that maybe they can ill afford. When making arrangements within days after the loss of loved ones, it's easy for emotion to overtake your practical side. You're not exactly in a state of mind to bargain shop.

As I said my Dad had made all his own arragements prior to his death. When Rick's Dad died, that was my first experience in dealing with funeral homes. They were professional, caring, compassionate, but the price is the price is the price. Every option/service has a set price. There is one exception. Here in the state of MA (not sure of other areas) funeral homes have to accept a casket if you purchase it elsewhere.

My brother in law had dealt with the arrangements for an aunt and he knew how it worked. We saw a casket we thought was appropriate for my father in law. My brother in law asked the funeral home if they would accept $500.00 less than the "asking price" on it. They refused. He told the funeral director we'd buy it elsewhere, still no price reduction. We got the same casket from an outside source for almost 1/2 the price the funeral home charged. It seems cold to shop around for a casket for your loved one. I don't think many people actually do it, and the funeral homes know it.

This company opened up a local casket store, when the law was passed that funeral homes had to accept caskets other than the ones they sold. The company was not well received. The general public thought them to be ghouls, at best. They closed their local showroom, and I'm not sure how they now get the word out now, but we did business with them out of a warehouse type of building.

Casket store


If anyone has a set idea of what they do/don't want,when you leave this earth, it's in your best interest to make your wishes known and pre-pay your expenses. Oh and don't put your wishes in your will. They only read it after you are buried/ cremated when they want to know how much $ you left them.