I was hoping your life experiences and maturity could help a buddy of mine out. There's a fellow resident, a good friend of mine, who is having some relationship difficulty. Despite the fact that I have a horrible track record with relationships, he persist on talking to me and asking my adivce (maybe he thinks it will change?) so I thought I would go outside my life experience and seek some of y'all's opinions...hopefulyl getting a new perspective that I might be able to pass on to him.
Here's the situation. About a month ago my buddy begins talking with this women and they REALLY hit it off. Unfortuately, she was a bit "hot and cold" i.e. they would have a great time then would start to pull away (not call, etc). At this point, I told him to stay the course and see where it goes. It persisted, and I told him at that time to walk away. He was not that invested, so it would be easy. According to him, he didn't talk to her for a couple of days (I think he usually called her) and out of the blue she shows up at work, and they talk. She confessed that she had been pulling away, b/c she was divorced (2yrs prior) and was not sure how he would react i.e. didn't want to get close, just to have him tell her to hit the road. Well, being a good guy, Greg says that it doesn't matter and apparently, everything begins to go well again. I told him to precede with caustion, but he didn't listen, and fell head over heels for her. Now, fast forward 2 weeks and he's singing the same ol' song, but different verse... Apparently she's pulling away again. She's great for a couple of days then pulls away again. She says she realizes that she's doing it, but can't help it... she's scared, but time will cure all. I say . My advice has been to walk away. She's gun shy and if he's going nuts with this "hot-cold" routine, its time to walk. His sanity is too valuable. I think I hurt his feelings when I said that if he really was the right one for her, she'd get over being gun-shy and she's not, so get the walking shoes on and hit the road. He thinks I am hardass and tainted by own experience (I think the longer he stays in, the more invested he'll be and the morre hurt he'll be when she finally runs away for good).
Any advice? Fresh perspectives? I don't mind listening to him, but at the same time, I have nothing new to offer.

 

Sorry for the length, should have included this.....

 

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

- Amanda McBroom, The Rose

 

Nice Poem Warren, is that for me? Well, I like this other poem/saying..
Fool me once. shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.

You see why I am not the best guy to be giving advice

But, that is a really nice poem. Maybe I'll tell him to give that to her in a card (if he listens to me, she'll get walking papers and not some poem)

 

I don't think that I could help. I'm with you. My personal opinion (based on personal experience) is that most people aren't truly over a divorce for at least 4 years (sometimes longer). Playing around with a recent divorcee is not a good idea unless you are just going to play (and even then it's best to be careful).

It sounds to me like this woman is playing some serious games here. Your friend should run, not walk, to the nearest exit. These types of people are destructive in the extreme and can play hell with a fragile ego and emotions.

I would relate what I did for a friend going through a similar situation during a divorce, but it would be very un-PC and many members would not find it appropriate so I shall refrain.

If he is insistent on continuing on this course then the best thing I can recommend is to be there as a good friend and offer what support you can. People generally don't listen to good advice so at least be a pal and let him cry on your shoulder.

 

Thanks Anarky.... did you get frustrated with your buddy. Sometimes, I feel myself getting annoyed, because it seems like the same ol' situation. BTW, PM me your advice! LOL.

 

Steve,

You've got a whole lot of things going on here.

First of all, your friend only met her a month ago, way to soon to be "head over heals" for her. He doesn't need to break off the relationship, but he needs to cool down a bit. He needs to take a few steps back and take a good look at this relationship. So far he's refused to do that.

Secondly, if she knows that she is doing this, and she knows that she is carrying baggage that she needn't be carrying, perhaps she should do something about it. She's got a problem, but your friend is letting her make it into his problem.

Third, if the cycle keeps repeating itself, and your friend keeps going back for more, there really isn't much that you can say. When his head starts hurting enough he will either stop banging it on the wall, or tear down the wall. Either way, nothing you can say will make much difference.

 

Yes, it gets tiring. But a good friend will always be there to pick up the pieces (and after the PM you'll get it).

 

Ok, good, a new view (I knew I could count on you Robb).
I agree that its too soon to be head over heels, but let's just say that he's really into her i.e. ga-ga eyes Now, with that said, I agree with you that he's turning her problem into his and I have told him so. He seems to think that being a good guy and being patient, that he will facilitate her getting over being gun-shy ( I think, but I could be wrong). Any advice... should I tell him to cool off and if so, how does he do that? stop calling as much? wait for her to call? To me, it all seems like head games, hence its easier to walk. Suggestions?

 

Yes, I think you need to tell him to cool it down, slow it down, but I doubt that he will listen. You will become the evil, jealous friend trying to keep him from his "soul mate" by suggesting this, but that is what he needs to do. And that is what you need to tell him.

How does he do that? I'm not sure, but I do know that if he doesn't, her problems will surely become his. Perhaps he should take the approach that she is only a part of his life, and not the all consuming part. Perhaps he should continue to do the things he used to do before he met her.

You need to tell him to slow down, cool down, and just live his life.