so my buddy is still boozing what should i do
06-08-2004, 05:09 AM
#1
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so my buddy is still boozing what should i do
ok after last week's turn of events i found him all kinds of numbers for free help - he works at this real lowlife bar in the next town one night a week and i knew he didn't drink last Wednesday - he was given a free pass from the landlord (My parents) as long as he seeks help for his depression - doesn't help that i have to cover the house expenses ie electric, phone, dsl etc etc...
anyway i told him last week that booze is a depressant and he needs to stop - needless to say he worked last Thursday and drank - Friday drank, i called the scumbag bar on Saturday and he stated he was just filling in (ya right)
so yesterday he stated that he went to one of the places i've found and they can see him in June 18th - again i said that's great but you really need to give up the booze and that scum bag bar (picture Moe's in the simpsons) - because there's nothing there for you and he also stated they told him he needs to stop drinking before they would help him (something to do with the medication etc etc)
Come into work today and one of my staff mentioned that she saw his truck there last night.
what to do?? explain that until he stops drinking he has to leave the house??, ignore the issue and look for a new place to live,
As a side note, the home i rent belongs to my parents and while we pay fair market value for rent (about $1300.00) my roommate has fallen behind for two months - my mom stated that she will carry him if he gets help but i have to imagine this is placing a financial burden on my parents as well
anyway i told him last week that booze is a depressant and he needs to stop - needless to say he worked last Thursday and drank - Friday drank, i called the scumbag bar on Saturday and he stated he was just filling in (ya right)
so yesterday he stated that he went to one of the places i've found and they can see him in June 18th - again i said that's great but you really need to give up the booze and that scum bag bar (picture Moe's in the simpsons) - because there's nothing there for you and he also stated they told him he needs to stop drinking before they would help him (something to do with the medication etc etc)
Come into work today and one of my staff mentioned that she saw his truck there last night.
what to do?? explain that until he stops drinking he has to leave the house??, ignore the issue and look for a new place to live,
As a side note, the home i rent belongs to my parents and while we pay fair market value for rent (about $1300.00) my roommate has fallen behind for two months - my mom stated that she will carry him if he gets help but i have to imagine this is placing a financial burden on my parents as well
06-08-2004, 06:00 AM
#2
You may have done all you can, for now. Unfortunately, as most recovering alcoholics will tell you, no one will stop drinking until they are ready to do so, and many have to "hit bottom" before they do.
You may have to get harsh with him and tell him he has to leave and find a new place to live. If you feel it's the right thing for you, you could also tell him he is welcome to come back once he is active in a program, and getting help for his problems.
You should not have to be the one to re-locate, and he may need to face some harsh realities of life which may help him "see the light."
You may have to get harsh with him and tell him he has to leave and find a new place to live. If you feel it's the right thing for you, you could also tell him he is welcome to come back once he is active in a program, and getting help for his problems.
You should not have to be the one to re-locate, and he may need to face some harsh realities of life which may help him "see the light."
06-08-2004, 06:09 AM
#3
^ I agree with this advice...his condition is not your responsibility or your parents'. It is his and his alone. He will continue in this downward spiral until he is forced to deal with it. Unfortunately, it appears that you will be the one stuck with forcing it. He needs to leave that house, not you. Sad...
06-08-2004, 08:45 AM
#4
Steve, I was just about to start a new thread about my own son and this very same problem. Chris just got out of a treatment facility and in 24 hours he was drinking again. He got in a fist fight with a friend and hurt his friend. He didn't even come home until Monday night and he got out of the center on Friday afternoon. He was back to his old behavior of staying out with who ever he liked for a long as he liked doing whatever he liked.
He felt very badly about his actions and admitted again that he needed help and needed AA meetings. But he will not go to a residential treatment facility, even though I would gladly pay for it. He is not interested in a half-way house either. I don't see how he can deal with this by himself.
After thinking about this over a long sleepless night, I told Chris that now, after several failed attempts at what I'll call "self disciplined sobriety", that I wanted his house key. The idea was that he would have to be home before 11:00 pm to get into the house and that I wanted to be able to look him in the eyes and see if he was sober and know he was going to AA meetings and working. I would take on the role of supervisor and try to give him the structure that every recovering alcoholic needs to succeed. He wouldn't agree.
Chris packed up some stuff and claims he will get a room in a boarding house so he can come and go as he likes. You've seen my house Steve. Chris would rather live in a room in some dump and pay $177 dollars a week, than live for free with me and have to be accountable.
I don't know if I am being too hard or too easy with Chris and worry for his saftey and his freedom. I'm sure some will say I should have thrown him out a long time ago, while others will opine that I should continue to tolerate all his problems and let him come and go as he likes while trying to talk some sense to him. But I do know it is too easy to become an enabler; one who the addict relies upon for basic necessities so he can continue supporting his or her addiction. Right now Steve, your mother and you are being taken advantage of. The house key is a pretty good test of how bad things are. Since you are supplying a free house, you might want to try it too and see how he reacts. But even if you can't do that, think about it. He isn't paying rent, but he can buy booze. He isn't working, but he can hang out at Moes.
I know that many people thought it was a bad sign that his family did not come to the rescue when you called them. Steve, they may be well aware of the problem and have learned that he will use any resource to keep drinking. In other words, by not rushing to support him, they may be doing what is right.
Sorry if I haijacked your thread a little. I didn't think Vintage needed two alcoholics anonymous threads going at once.
He felt very badly about his actions and admitted again that he needed help and needed AA meetings. But he will not go to a residential treatment facility, even though I would gladly pay for it. He is not interested in a half-way house either. I don't see how he can deal with this by himself.
After thinking about this over a long sleepless night, I told Chris that now, after several failed attempts at what I'll call "self disciplined sobriety", that I wanted his house key. The idea was that he would have to be home before 11:00 pm to get into the house and that I wanted to be able to look him in the eyes and see if he was sober and know he was going to AA meetings and working. I would take on the role of supervisor and try to give him the structure that every recovering alcoholic needs to succeed. He wouldn't agree.
Chris packed up some stuff and claims he will get a room in a boarding house so he can come and go as he likes. You've seen my house Steve. Chris would rather live in a room in some dump and pay $177 dollars a week, than live for free with me and have to be accountable.
I don't know if I am being too hard or too easy with Chris and worry for his saftey and his freedom. I'm sure some will say I should have thrown him out a long time ago, while others will opine that I should continue to tolerate all his problems and let him come and go as he likes while trying to talk some sense to him. But I do know it is too easy to become an enabler; one who the addict relies upon for basic necessities so he can continue supporting his or her addiction. Right now Steve, your mother and you are being taken advantage of. The house key is a pretty good test of how bad things are. Since you are supplying a free house, you might want to try it too and see how he reacts. But even if you can't do that, think about it. He isn't paying rent, but he can buy booze. He isn't working, but he can hang out at Moes.
I know that many people thought it was a bad sign that his family did not come to the rescue when you called them. Steve, they may be well aware of the problem and have learned that he will use any resource to keep drinking. In other words, by not rushing to support him, they may be doing what is right.
Sorry if I haijacked your thread a little. I didn't think Vintage needed two alcoholics anonymous threads going at once.
06-08-2004, 09:15 AM
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I wish both you guys strength, patience, and wisdom in dealing with your respective loved ones. I've been blessed that addiction has, thus far, skipped my very small family. I don't feel as if I can offer any solid, practical advice. You are both offering help, but they have to accept. I don't think you can't make another adult do something they ultimately don't want to do.
Oddly enough, I'm about to leave to go to a "graduation" at a local women's shelter. The shelter has an intensive 6 month (in-house) addiction treatment program. Two of the ladies I've met are graduating today. They had to lose everything before they found hope. It's my hope that Bass' friend and Bill's son find an easier path to healing.
Oddly enough, I'm about to leave to go to a "graduation" at a local women's shelter. The shelter has an intensive 6 month (in-house) addiction treatment program. Two of the ladies I've met are graduating today. They had to lose everything before they found hope. It's my hope that Bass' friend and Bill's son find an easier path to healing.
06-08-2004, 07:40 PM
#7
Steve, I think you're going to have to go with Lainey's advice.
Bill, incredibly sorry to hear how things are unfolding with your son. As you know, there aren't any answers.
As you said to Steve (and I completely agree), families seem to reach a breaking point and have to remove themselves as enablers. There's just nothing else to do.
Best wishes, guys.
Bill, incredibly sorry to hear how things are unfolding with your son. As you know, there aren't any answers.
As you said to Steve (and I completely agree), families seem to reach a breaking point and have to remove themselves as enablers. There's just nothing else to do.Best wishes, guys.
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06-08-2004, 08:39 PM
#8
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an associate and my neighbor in my office building drinks, he is diabetic and has had vein and kidney problems and he drinks, and he functions. he is in my mind a functional alchohalic, he functions and is killing himself drinking. i have talked to him, his wife, and his son and co workers several times. he is an adult and over 60, so he is responsible for his actions and has made a choice.
this is hard to watch, harder with loved ones, much harder.all i could do different with a loved one is get in their face more often about and not support it....with someone else you just have to let them know you are there and will help if called upon. i do not drink with him when we go to lunch, about once or twice a month. he downs 3 doubles without batting an eye and then goes back to work...i do not want to be in his shoes ever.
i can drink with the best of them and will not do it at work and if i did it durring he day i would fall asleep, there is a time and place, set and setting appropriate for drinking.
with your friend you can cut him loose, send him out of the house for the obvious reasons, hopefully he will seek help and straighten out, hopefully. at the least you do not want to support his disease, and it is a disease, there is a genetic predisposition for addiction. he can lick it with help and support and he has to want to.
i am sorry to hear about your misfortune, and especially about yours legal bill, i am a parent too.
this is hard to watch, harder with loved ones, much harder.all i could do different with a loved one is get in their face more often about and not support it....with someone else you just have to let them know you are there and will help if called upon. i do not drink with him when we go to lunch, about once or twice a month. he downs 3 doubles without batting an eye and then goes back to work...i do not want to be in his shoes ever.
i can drink with the best of them and will not do it at work and if i did it durring he day i would fall asleep, there is a time and place, set and setting appropriate for drinking.
with your friend you can cut him loose, send him out of the house for the obvious reasons, hopefully he will seek help and straighten out, hopefully. at the least you do not want to support his disease, and it is a disease, there is a genetic predisposition for addiction. he can lick it with help and support and he has to want to.
i am sorry to hear about your misfortune, and especially about yours legal bill, i am a parent too.
06-09-2004, 07:22 AM
#9
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Legal Bill
He felt very badly about his actions and admitted again that he needed help and needed AA meetings. But he will not go to a residential treatment facility, even though I would gladly pay for it. He is not interested in a half-way house either. I don't see how he can deal with this by himself.
Bill I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your son. Hopefully he will come around soon. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your wife.
I know a couple of people who are actively involved in AA. The change in them once they stopped drinking was great. They were like their "old selves" once again minus the booze, and are much more pleasant to spend time with.
I hope your son and Steve's buddy will both find and accept the help that is out there for them soon.
He felt very badly about his actions and admitted again that he needed help and needed AA meetings. But he will not go to a residential treatment facility, even though I would gladly pay for it. He is not interested in a half-way house either. I don't see how he can deal with this by himself.
Bill I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your son. Hopefully he will come around soon. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your wife.
I know a couple of people who are actively involved in AA. The change in them once they stopped drinking was great. They were like their "old selves" once again minus the booze, and are much more pleasant to spend time with.
I hope your son and Steve's buddy will both find and accept the help that is out there for them soon.
06-09-2004, 07:59 AM
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The real trick is in learning how to protect your heart, property, health, emotions, and pocketbook while practicing tough love. Not an easy task but after a certain point where you've done all you can, self preservation has to kick in or you could find yourself in a not-so-good position. Good luck to you both. I feel and share your pain and will continue to pray for us all.